[Diary of an Expat Bride] Therapy for cross-cultural couples

Can and I were not yet married when I first met Eda. Although my and Can’s relationship is quite strong and secure, I felt relieved that such a qualified therapist practiced in İstanbul and we could go to her if needed. Can and I, like most cross-cultural couples, have a lot of extra baggage to deal with. I liked Eda immediately because her background is both American and Turkish, giving her a unique understanding of cross-cultural relationships. Language can be a key point of misunderstanding, and Eda’s fluency in both English and Turkish is a definite plus. Knowing both cultures intimately also puts her on safe ground with both sides. I visited Eda recently in her spacious office with a fabulous Bosporus view, and we discussed cross-cultural therapy over coffee.

As we sat on navy blue sofas on a rainy İstanbul day, she first stressed to me that there are several qualified couples therapists located throughout Turkey. She is actively involved, along with other Turkish psychologists, in work with platforms and associations with the European Union. She stressed to me that while there are several great therapists in İstanbul, there is no governing body that checks and regulates licensing, unlike the rigorous controls in the US and EU. It is important to know your therapist’s background and where they were certified before making a commitment. Once that is established, and you find someone you are comfortable with, you are ready to begin.

Finding a therapist is probably the easiest part. Convincing your partner to come and agree to therapy can be quite another. Growing up in Europe or America, the “yabancı” (foreigner) in the relationship most likely was raised without the cultural taboo of seeking help through therapy. TV shows and movies filled with psychological jargon and about therapists and people seeking therapy have made getting help socially acceptable. Turkey is a bit different, however. Eda stressed to me that Turkish society and families focus on the group rather than the individual, unlike the Western model. It can then be scary if one person wants to seek therapy, and they can feel intimidated, scared or pressured out of their decision easily. Recalcitrant spouses are not unique to Turkey, and Eda gave me several examples of American men who showed up to therapy with their spouse and faked their way through the sessions. She prefers an honest approach, where the partner stresses how they honestly feel about attending a session. “Honesty is easier to deal with,” she said. Couples therapy should focus on relationship building, which can take away some of the scary social stigmas of therapy.

Still, according to Eda, there are many ways that you can present the option of therapy to your partner in a non-threatening way. First, be aware of the potential cultural, social and personal opposition. Try and get an ally that he or she trusts, such as a close friend or relative, who can suggest therapy as an option. Step back from whatever approach you have been taking and allow the other person to breathe and take the lead in their approach to therapy. Be quietly persistent. It’s not easy, as I know from personal experience. It can be done, but requires a lot of patience and should be viewed as an opportunity for growth. Personally, I had to really watch myself and really concentrate on not pressuring Can to talk or do something he didn’t want to do. He had to decide it was time. When he did, the talk that we had was so open and honest it truly was a turning point in our relationship.

According to Eda, cross-cultural couples have the added issue of dealing with each other’s respective culture and customs. Generally, the American and European model raises us in a culture of over-individuation. We aspire to be “solely independent.” This is completely counter to the Turkish standard. Cracks and tremors result in the everyday conflict of these ideals. From both personal experience and from speaking with other friends in cross-cultural relationships, I know that it is the little, everyday clashes resulting from this that caused the biggest rifts in our relationship. Trying to find middle ground, without feeling like either person is giving in too much, is critical. This is why I believe that Eda can help couples navigate these tricky waters. She advocates the importance of listening to each other, while also challenging stereotypes that deserve challenging. Both sides need to view things differently, which is a part of adult development. Changing is not giving up.

All of the same applies in regards to dealing with families. In my case, dealing with my Turkish in-laws has proved the biggest challenge to Can’s and my relationship, as well as to my personal sanity. While a lot of my problems with my mother in-law tend to be cultural, I think that it is also based on other factors. It’s sad, but I have frequently reached the point where I refuse to see things from her perspective. I feel vulnerable and constantly open to attack. While I think the chances of convincing my mother-in-law to enter therapy with me are slim to none, I nonetheless can use some of the tactics that Eda suggested to help my individual growth. I also can try and see things from her point of view whenever possible. While dealing with my mother-in-law will continue to be a struggle, I may consider seeing Eda sometime in the future with my husband, Can, to help both of us deal with the stresses that this fractured relationship is causing. Eda also does family therapy, so this is an area that she knows well. She encourages dealing with the problems of triangulation, between the three components causing the issues. This can be made up of anything from the couple, to the in-laws or children. In all cases, proximity management is key, which I entirely agree with.