Neighbors, everybody needs good neighbors

“Neighbors, everybody needs good neighbors; just a friendly wave each morning, helps to make a better day...”

Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius thought otherwise! Aurelius said, “How much time he saves who does not look to see what his neighbor says or does or thinks.”

How many times have you gone out of your apartment building in the morning and noticed a group that has gathered and is talking loudly? Perhaps somewhere a pipe has burst. Who knows? You may not know unless you stop and get involved. But everyone else seems to be getting involved. You may be late if you stop and ask. You choose to keep going…

True! You can have problematic neighbors anywhere. It is harder when you are not fluent in the local language and have inquisitive neighbors. Like the lyrics go, “Just a friendly wave each morning, helps to make a better day…”

Sometimes, though, some end up living next door or in the same building as a neighbor who is a pain. Here is a note from a Today’s Zaman reader who needs help:

Dear Charlotte, when my husband and I moved into the apartment, we did not know the type of neighbors we would be living across the hall from. The day after we moved in, the woman who lives across the hall came over to introduce herself. She knocked on our door one night carrying dinner for the two of us. It seemed like a neighborly gesture. We responded with a thank-you note. I did not know that I should return her plate with food on it. I just gave her an empty plate and a thank-you note.

It seems she observed us and learned our comings and goings. Over the next few days, as soon as we arrived home from work, she would knock on the door and want to come in and visit. It seemed a bit much, but she seemed nice enough.

On one occasion, we noticed she had a lot of plants in her home. My husband has to take business trips sometimes and he wanted me to go to Vienna with him. We asked if she could water our plants while we were away for a week and she agreed.

After we returned from our trip, a woman I barely recognized came up to me in the grocery store and said, “I really like your home! I think you have a nice wardrobe and a beautiful bedspread.” I was shocked! Evidently, Ayşe had shown this lady our home. When I told Ayşe I was not pleased that she had brought someone into my home without asking, Ayşe got offended and upset with the other lady who had told me.

I have leaned since that Ayşe has done quite a few things to upset other neighbors. The neighbor who lives above Ayşe often complains about the noise Ayşe’s family makes in the evenings -- but she will not go and ask her to keep it down. Sometimes she sends the kapıcı (the building caretaker) to ask them to turn down their television, etc. Being a foreigner makes it more difficult to know what kind of person I am dealing with and how we should handle Ayşe.

Dear reader, you’ve described a person who has no conscience, who is very manipulative and who does not respect boundaries. She certainly has no right to bring another person into your home without your permission. As for the noise factor, your other neighbor needs to have a calm chat and ask Ayşe to be a little quieter. But that is not your problem. In Turkish culture, people are often not very direct and she will probably keep asking the kapıcı to go and tell Ayşe when the noise is unbearable.

Franklin P. Jones once said, “Nothing makes you more tolerant of a neighbor’s noisy party than being there.” On second thought, in this case, maybe you’d prefer not to be invited.

Living in an apartment building has its challenges! When some neighbors came to Nasreddin Hodja, a famous wise man and the subject of many stories in the Muslim world, with a problem, he believed everyone was right! The story goes:

Once when Nasreddin Hodja was serving as a qadi (judge), one of his neighbors came to him with a complaint against a fellow neighbor.

The hodja listened to the charges carefully and then concluded, “Yes, dear neighbor, you are quite right.”

Then the other neighbor came to him. The hodja listened to his defense carefully, and then concluded, “Yes, dear neighbor, you are quite right.” The hodja’s wife, having listened in on the entire proceeding, said to him, “Husband, both men cannot be right.”

The hodja answered, “Yes, dear wife, you are quite right.”

(”The Tales of Nasrettin Hoca,” told by Aziz Nesin, retold in English by Talat Halman İstanbul: Dost Yayınları, 1988)