Tug-of-war syndrome!

Dear Charlotte, I am enjoying my opportunity abroad to study as an exchange student so much. I still have not been able to really discern sometimes what people really mean. The culture is different from what I imagined. From Martin.

Dear Martin, many people make the mistake of trying to fit people they are working with into cultural molds, when often they don’t fit. When we work in another culture it helps to remember that people’s values and behaviors are influenced by their culture. But their background, experiences and personality also influence values and behavior. Avoid attributing too much of what you observe to a cultural difference.

Dear Charlotte, I’ve been working in Turkey for over two years and have read every book about Turkish culture. Just when I think I know what to expect and how the situation might go, I get surprised. I guess what I am trying to say is that nothing rarely ever goes the way I expect it to do so. Even just trying to get to work can be an experience -- due to roadwork or the minibus driver deciding to take a different route. I never really appreciated how predictable life was back home until I lived here. Every day the unexpected happens. Anita (Maslak, İstanbul).

Dear Anita, travel and living abroad can be stressful. People who come from cultures where directness and precision are valued (e.g., Britain, Germany, America) may find the indirectness and uncertainty you experience here frustrating.

If you can relate to the comments from Today’s Zaman readers Martin and Anita and feel like things are getting to be too unpredictable, here are a few tips that may be helpful.

* Expect a surprise each day. When we live in another culture, it is inevitable that we will experience uncertainty at least once a day.

* Prepare yourself for the unknowns. When working in another culture you will meet a lot of unknowns. You will begin to get an idea of what could go wrong and you can bear that in mind when you are making plans.

* Be flexible! You may be the type who likes clear, concrete answers. If so, prepare yourself, because things may work differently here from what you are used to. It is best to focus on what you can determine and try to let go of minor details that are unclear.

* Keep a sense of humor. You will find yourself in situations where people are laughing around you (or maybe at you!) but you don’t understand why. When you don’t fit the cultural mold, people may think what you do is funny.

We have all heard the old saying that love makes the world go ‘round. Humor and tolerance probably keep it going ‘round.

Humor has many levels: from slapstick and teasing to sophisticated and high-level humor and satire. My two cocker spaniels help me unwind and laugh about the day. They have their own sense of humor -- behaving goofy!

One evening when I had guests, Ginger, who is young and full of energy, thought she would entertain them. She hung around the guests, of course hoping for a crumb of the snacks. I shooed Ginger away. Before I knew it she came back with her yellow plastic squeaky bones on the rope. She wanted a good ole game of tug-of-war. Playfully, she flagrantly snapped it from side to side with great joy. All eyes were on her as she danced around the room with the bone toy in mouth. I don’t know if Ginger knew if she was being funny but she definitely got a lot of enjoyment from it. And so did we.

On the other hand, when I play tug-of-war with Ginger she sets the ground rules: Dogs completely understand the difference between play and something more serious and are careful to make the distinction. For example, Ginger growls and yap ferociously when playing tug-of-war with her yellow plastic bones on a rope. But she’ll abruptly call a timeout by running over and licking my hand, as if to say: “Hey, you know I am only playing. I wouldn’t hurt you.” Then she’ll begin to act out her savage beast within.