Both Turks and foreigners who live in another culture experience situations that may be hurtful or make them angry. A number of Today’s Zaman readers from around the world have written to me and to share how they have been hurt; sometimes saying they want to make the person who hurt them pay in some way.Let me share what some of the readers have shared with me so you can understand some of the things that have upset them. If you have experienced any of these or other situations, drop me a note and let me know how you reacted.
Having a flat tire because someone thought you should not have parked where you did so they slashed the tire or let the air out of it.
Finding a bug or hair on your plate because the person who served you does not like you. Their way of letting you know they’d prefer you were not there.
Being treated coldly by your in-laws.
Finding glue in the keyhole of your front door so your keys won’t work.
Being cut off by another driver on the road.
Finding out that your neighbor attempted to poison your dog, but failed.
Sometimes even the most laid-back person may feel like letting off a little steam; certainly others feel like getting angry and maybe even getting revenge.
Varying degrees of acts of forgiveness, or its opposite -- acts of revenge -- can be found in every culture. The practice of forgiveness is not as common as we think. The concept of forgiveness is not perceived the same way in every culture.
Some cultures may perceive the act of asking for forgiveness as a sign of weakness. On the other hand, in other cultures, it is seen as inner strength and a sign of maturity. I was taught as a child that being able to recognize you have wronged someone and admit it and learn from it is commendable.
We hear so many haunting stories. I read recently about a college student who had the opportunity to go to another country and study through an exchange program with all expenses paid. She had only been there for a short time before she was murdered. Shortly after arriving there, she had joined an anti-apartheid movement. While involved in a silent protest, she was in the wrong place at the wrong time and was murdered.
Her parents were crushed. After years of grieving, they decided to quit their well-paying jobs and move to the country where their daughter had been killed. They decided to get involved in the cause their daughter was supporting when she was murdered. They never expected to meet any of the people who had been part of the mob who killed their daughter, but one day they did. Can you imagine how they felt? In this case, the parents forgave the two killers and befriended them. The act of forgiveness has had life-changing effects on them all.
Of course this is an extreme example, but the rule can be applied to everyone:
Whether it is a personal or societal conflict, forgiveness is good not just for the forgiven, but for the forgivers as well.
When we believe we have been wronged, our lives can be consumed with bitterness. We may even become preoccupied with thoughts of revenge. In this couple’s case, the sorrow of their loss will never go away, but forgiveness releases them from feeling bitter and vengeful.
Relinquishing pain and hurt can be so freeing. “We need to develop and maintain forgiving hearts, letting go of grudges, bitterness, hatred, or a desire for revenge and retaliation,” says the Rev. Siang-Yang Tan, Ph.D., professor of psychology.
The act of forgiving and letting go is very important.
Even governments and citizens who have different opinions and oppose each other need to practice forgiveness. True forgiveness is willingness to let go of judgments and see the situation differently. It has to do with experiencing love and joy instead of fear and hate.
Clashes in cultures have produced some of the darkest events in human history. The future of any society depends partly on its willingness and ability to engage with one other in meaningful relationships. They need not only to coexist, but also to cooperate for the common good of the wider community.
I am sure each of us who read this likes to think of himself as someone who doesn’t hold a grudge. But when push comes to shove and the person being shoved is you, can you forgive and forget?
Note: Keep your questions and observations coming: I want to ensure this column is a help to you, Today’s Zaman’s readers. Email: c.mcpherson@todayszaman.com
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