Game over

 I have written a lot about the familial and cultural issues that have tested my relationship. An American living in İstanbul for nine years, I thought I had most of the cultural things down pat when dealing with Can’s family. However, I learn something new every day.

The past two years I have unwillingly been drawn into the drama of my brother-in-law’s choice of a girlfriend. Last summer they had an elaborate söz (promise ceremony) and she became an official part of the family. The problems between us pre-date this, and I have written much about my conflicts with her and the instability she has caused in my life. After the söz, I cut ties with her completely before heading back to the US for vacation. I “unfriended” her from Facebook, erased her phone number from my phone and notified the entire family that she was not welcome in my home. So much had been done and said, and I had stayed silent too long. The final straw was shortly after the ceremony when I came home from a meeting and she answered the door of my house. She had come over with my brother-in-law unexpectedly while I was away. Instead of making pleasant conversation she eyed my cluttered house and asked some very rude questions about how much my in-laws gave us to maintain our house. Was I the only one who saw what was going on here? I can’t hide it when I’m upset, so I just left and went in my bedroom until they departed. I didn’t say good-bye, just cut her from my life in every way possible. I called my brother-in-law later and told him that she was not welcome in my house, nor did I want to see her again. Kind of extreme, but my home is my safe place. How dare she invade it?

After that I put her out of my head entirely. I never asked about her, and by this time the family knew well enough to not talk to me about her. Then, they finally told me in the late fall that the engagement had been broken off. I was floored and relieved at the same time. Slowly, details started to trickle in. My mother-in-law looked 20 years younger as she told me what had happened. Apparently, everyone else in the family felt the same about her and her family. They were all uncomfortable with the constant talk about money and the unrelenting pressure for a quick marriage. The rude comments and questions were not only directed at me, I was just the only one in the family who put a stop to it and didn’t pretend to be OK with it. My mother-in-law told me how she was tricked into going to their house for dinner only two weeks after my brother-in-law had met this girl. I was incredulous when I realized that the pressure to marry had started then. This, according to my mother-in-law, was a big cultural gaffe. When it comes to meeting a girl’s family it should be initiated by the boy’s family, not the other way around. This was the first of an endless litany of issues -- the most recent debacle over the diamond ring being the most recent and stinging. After the promise ceremony, the pressure to marry became unbearable for everyone. The girl’s mother started calling my mother-in-law daily and saying things like “my daughter is not some animal waiting in a pen.” On Facebook she was posting links to hotels like the Ciragan Palace hotel, boasting that their wedding would be held there. I was dumbfounded. My in-laws are not poor, but they are not rich, either. They are middle class, and a wedding at the Çırağan Palace would be way out of their budget. Was this girl insane?

Ending the relationship

My brother-in-law is still in school, and while my in-laws had allowed the söz to take place, it was under the condition that a wedding would not happen until after he completed his studies, which will be in about two years. Despite all of the stuff my mother-in-law was experiencing, she kept the problems to herself and did not tell her son, or us (thankfully), until after everything was over. My brother-in-law decided to end things on his own. She was pressuring him extensively. Apparently, she had informed him that even though they were engaged, her family was not going to allow them to see each other until after they were married. Previously, when they were only dating, they would hang out alone all day and he would drop her off by her curfew of midnight. He was frustrated that the whole family seemed to be trying to entrap him into a quick, expensive, marriage. He could only see her if he went to her house with her family, and then he needed to leave by 8 p.m. Over the summer he needed to transfer to a city a few hours outside of İstanbul to complete his studies and internship. I’m not sure if distance put a different perspective on things, but he ended the relationship after moving.

Her family was dumbstruck and angry. What about the rings exchanged? My mother-in-law informed them that she did not need the rings back (she hadn’t bought them anyway, my brother-in-law had). But it’s a tricky cultural thing. Months passed and the rings were never returned, which is a big cultural faux pas. Her family called and said that the rings were exchanged in front of both families; they should be given back in front of both families. My mother-in-law was horrified and said that was not an option. She wanted to just end things as quietly as possible. Can was afraid they would shoot us, falling again into the typical stereotypical trap of the Karadeniz temper. While I didn’t think our lives were in danger, I also didn’t think it necessary to prolong the drama in front of everyone. Eventually, she sent the rings over to my mother-in-law with a friend. We haven’t heard from her or her family since.

I feel relieved that it is over, although I am sad that my brother-in-law was hurt. Ending a relationship is bad enough without having to deal with fallout from the family. The only positive thing to come out of the whole incident has been the improved relationship with my mother-in-law. She got a taste of what a problematic gelin (bride) could be like, and one from her own culture at that. I in turn realized that my mother-in-law is not so bad after all. Our relationship is still not close, but we definitely get along much better nowadays.  Maybe this reprieve is only temporary, but I plan to relish it as long as it lasts. We all feel as if a giant load has been lifted from our shoulders. Thankfully things were ended before the actual marriage, when things would definitely have gotten worse.

Elle Loftis is an American expat, writer and mother living in İstanbul. Reach her at e.loftis@todayszaman.com for comments or questions.