[Diary of an Expat Bride] Ambitious downsizing

As a single woman I lived in Tarabya, a district on the European side of the city near the Bosporus. Public transportation was the only way I could get around. After I married my husband, Can, we moved to the outskirts of the city and I needed to learn to drive a car. This is where my love affair with İstanbul began to sour. I am a good driver, as any girl from Michigan should be able to boast. However, İstanbul traffic is a whole different kettle of fish. People are transformed from kind, logical beings into monsters when they get behind the wheel. I had to either learn to be like them, or I would get nowhere.

Over the years the aggression I have to exude while driving has unfortunately overlapped into other parts of my life. Every year gets worse. Before, there were obvious times of day when you could expect heavy traffic. Just last week I had an appointment by the airport, but made sure I left home by 3 p.m. We live on the Asian side of the city now, but that still could not justify the three hours of bumper-to-bumper traffic that my poor 1.5-year-old son and I were forced to endure. The reason? Unknown. I saw no construction, no car accident, nothing. Just that it seemed everyone was trying to leave at the same time as me to avoid traffic. What iPhone app could predict that?

As a mother now, I feel terrible for my son, who feels the worst when cooped up in a car for so long. But what can we do? Never leave the house? For a year I tried to be passive on the subject. We chose to live in İstanbul and this is one of the negative points of big city living. Last year my husband, totally fed up with traffic, suggested that we move to a smaller city such as İzmir. We laughed about it last year, but not so this year. Now we are seriously considering moving.

Can's father's family hails from the Aegean region, so in a way it would be like he is heading back to his roots. We have been to İzmir several times and we have many friends there. During our last visit two weeks ago we forwent sightseeing and secretly went house hunting. We researched districts and even practiced driving through the heart of downtown during rush hour. We were in heaven. We have said nothing of our budding plans to my in-laws, who would be pretty upset if they knew. However, it takes them sometimes over three hours to cross one of the bridges to visit us now. If we did move, they would only be a 45-minute painless plane ride away.

Our son, Eren, got bored looking at houses so I took him for a walk while Can researched some properties. Alsancak, a bustling, fashionable area, was crowded but not nearly as bad as Taksim. However, I still walked like an İstanbulite, forgetting to shed my big city attitude. I pushed people, didn't make eye contact and had my defenses up. These slowly melted away as I realized that cars stopped to let us cross small side streets (this never happens in İstanbul), and people naturally moved out of the way of the stroller or helped me up particularly high curbs or stairs. I was shocked and extremely grateful. People in İzmir, according to my theory, spend so little time in traffic that they are free to be human. They can take the time to say “Günaydın” or “İyi akşamlar” in the smaller districts. Time passes so slowly when you are not behind the wheel of a car for a huge part of your day that people find time to drink tea with their friends. No one has to rush off because “the bridge seems empty now.”

While I am sure that smaller cities like İzmir have their downsides, my priorities on what is important for my family have changed and İstanbul is not able to meet those. A livelier, more entertaining city you will not find in Turkey, but that is not what my small family needs right now. I want Eren to have easy access to green, open places rather than learning to play ball in a traffic-congested street. I want to be able to have an easy ride on the school bus, rather than a long one spent in traffic. I want him to have a mother who is not reduced to hysterics every time she is behind the wheel of a car. I want my husband to have the energy and easy accessibility to the sea where he can fish, one of his favorite hobbies, whenever he wants to.

Looking at our budget, we would also save money by moving. Rent is cheaper there, as is the cost of living. I think we would still use the same amount of fuel but the other costs could markedly decrease, and we might actually be able to start putting money aside in savings.

What prevented us from taking the plunge sooner? Our friends and family. We have such a strong network of people here in İstanbul that the biggest drawback to our plan is the thought of leaving them. Still, I know that we will make friends and connections in İzmir as well. When I moved to İstanbul eight years ago I only knew a handful of people. I networked and took advantage of almost every social opportunity thrown my way and have reaped the results. While İzmir might have a slower social scene, I know I will find my niche. My husband is not as social as me but I know that he will find his niche as well.

Can's company does have a branch in İzmir and we are thinking to apply for a transfer in the coming months. Change is not easy, but is necessary at times. İstanbul is not an easy city to let go of, as many people will note. Who knows, maybe İzmir will not be the dream that it currently seems to us. We can always move back to İstanbul. Having a child changed many things in my life, most notably pulling the shade up on big city living. I grew up in a small town and while I often make fun of it, I crave many of those same experiences for Eren. I do not necessarily want to move back to my homeland, but feel I can find a smaller city that is still fun and not as congested right here in Turkey. Every year more and more people in Turkey leave their towns and villages to move to İstanbul. We may be part of the minority fleeing the chaos for a simpler, kinder way of life.

Elle Loftis is an American expat, writer and mother living in İstanbul. Reach her at e.loftis@todayszaman.com for comments or questions.