[Keeping up with the Village] Mother and father know best: courtship in the village (1)

Villages are small places; everybody there knows, and is usually related to, everybody else. The village is the first place to start looking for a mate for one's child, because if that is successful, both kids will most likely live in the village after marriage. Local villages and towns are next, for the same reason. Finally, places far away and strange, like Konya, Ankara and İstanbul, are considered, depending upon family members having migrated there.

When a girl is getting to that age, her mother starts to look around at the available young men, and perhaps ask discreet questions of close family members. She may throw a few hints to a friend or two who have eligible sons of the right age. Great care is always taken at this stage to avoid rejection on either side, because at that point honor becomes involved and can get very tricky. But let's say all goes well, and the girl's mother gets some positive signals from a suitable boy's mother. She sends out some subtle messages of her own, over tea and cake, perhaps mentioning that she has noticed the son of her friend looks like he will become a fine man like his father. This will usually be met with denial, statements that the boy is stupid and ugly, and will amount to nothing. This, of course, translates to “You are absolutely right, Mehmet is a fine young man.” (The evil eye must always be deflected in the face of compliments.) The boy's mother will then consult her husband to see if there are any big objections to Mehmet perhaps becoming engaged to little Fatma. There will probably be none at this juncture because village couples being close, she would have known if her husband had any big objections beforehand, but she still will ask. If the husband hurdle is overcome, they will then ask the boy if he would like to marry Fatma. In some cases, the boy will approach his parents first, asking them to consider a particular girl as his bride, or they may have already observed a particular affinity of one for the other; but most of the time the children just wait for their folks to approach them at some point. In our example Mehmet shrugs and says, “Sure, why not?You know best.”

Meanwhile, similar actions are being taken by Fatma's parents. If at any point one of the children, or any important family member, voices any serious objection, the other party must be advised before things get more public and out of hand, because that honor thing is always there. Bad feelings in the village are hard to get over because of the proximity of the extended families, and the very, very long histories they share and constantly reiterate.

Finally, all objections addressed and conditions met, Mehmet's mother just happens to call on Fatma's mother, who that day just happens to have some delicious cake, ostensibly (and maybe really) made by her worthless daughter, Fatma, who just happens to be home that day. Fatma is called to wait on the mothers, who may each have back-up posses -- female relatives there to lend moral support and to make sure all the proprieties are met. No pressure, Fatma. The girl's eyes will be modestly cast down as she does the very best job of tea serving she can, because even though in theory things have already been more or less decided, spilled tea in the lap of a Teyze (old female relative or aunt) or serving the wrong guest first could still botch the deal. In fact, village lore says that a girl who at this point really does not want to marry, but is just going along under pressure, can “accidentally” serve salt instead of sugar to the guests for their tea, and thereby put the kibosh on the proceedings, risking only, perhaps, a beating from Mom, which is much better than a lifetime linked to a boy with aggravated halitosis. But in our case, happily, little Fatma performs beautifully, and gets so many compliments her mother must declare her a total failure as a woman and future wife. Hint, hint. At last, the purpose of the visit is revealed:

Mehmet's mom: If, say, just to throw out an idea, although no one could possibly say if it were even possible, but just to make conversation, seeing as how Fatma is not now engaged to be married, or we would have heard about it, of course, well, you understand.Well, then, my boy, Mehmet, who, of course, hasn't done his military service, of course, he is still too young, only seventeen, but a big boy, Alhamdulillah!You see what I mean.

Fatma's mom:Of course, my friend. And my Fatma, who is very worthless now, is also very young, but Inşallah has many years to learn. She is an obedient child, if you see what I mean. Of course, I am hoping she will take care of her parents as a good daughter should, one can only hope, she is so stubborn. Would you like some more tea?

This goes on and on, and somehow, through the carefully chosen maze of noncommittal language, it is determined that yes, little Fatma would not take it negatively if Mehmet's parents were to perhaps, if God is willing to grant them life until then, ask for her hand in marriage. Of course, little Fatma is long gone by now, hiding in the kitchen most like, or outdoors, but with a hidden ear to the proceedings. This is not stated in so many words, to give each family a chance to discuss the teatime performance of the other family, to approach the issue one more time, with the input of the respective posse of female relatives. That way any possible objections or risk to honor can be ironed out before the Big Day, the engagement party. Stay tuned…