[Diary of an Expat Bride] Lessons learned

My doctor knew how loath I was to have a cesarean, so he told me to go home and rest for a week, get my fluids back up, and then we would make a plan after my next appointment. An American expat, I had never had a baby or been hospitalized in my home country, so I had little to compare my hospital stay to. I can say that with all honesty I was taken care of very well and was very comfortable despite the circumstances. The nurses were attentive without being invasive, and everyone tried their best to make me feel better both emotionally and physically. A small, private hospital, it lacked a lot of the bangs and whistles that characterize some of the glitzy private hospitals throughout İstanbul. As a patient, I didn’t miss any of these fancy accoutrements at all. I got exactly what I needed, which was great care.

Once home and with little to do as we whiled away the last few days before my impending birth, Can and I talked in great detail about our experience. I told him about how hurt I was when he left me alone at the hospital. I even told him how I had considered divorce at that moment. We both were shocked at the other’s response under an extremely stressful situation.

I confessed that I was now scared of giving birth more than ever, as I felt like I would have to go through everything alone. When things got bad, would Can always run away? Would I think so quickly to end our marriage? While some of our issues could be blamed on cultural differences, the problems exposed by our two-day stay revealed fissures without a multi-cultural base.

The good part was that Can and I were aware of this, and openly talking about our issues with each other. Can confided that he felt overwhelmed at times, like he always had to fill the void that was present inside since I had no family or close relations nearby. He had to help me with everything since we were also living in his country. As any expat who lives in Turkey knows, this is a heavy responsibility. Can’s anger at me during our first day at the hospital was misconstrued; he was mainly frustrated at his failure to fix the situation. I was quick to pass blame and look for a way out. Especially with highly emotional pregnancy hormones, it was easy to jump to conclusions.

That dealt with, we next went over our birth plan. Our stay on the maternity floor had given us a clear picture of what would happen while we stayed there for our birth. I noticed that there were posters everywhere encouraging breastfeeding, but yet I saw a majority of the women in the ward struggling and giving up. While the staff encouraged breastfeeding, it appeared that the well-intended advice and pressure from the women’s relatives resulted in failure or difficulties.

Both Can and I agreed that we didn’t want many people to visit us after the birth, nor did we want to have too much assistance from the baby nurse unless we specifically asked for it or there were medical problems with the baby. Can also spoke to the head nurses, who agreed to allow him to accompany the baby whenever they would take it for tests, check ups or bathing. This is not standard, and was something we requested specifically. This was put in writing on our birth plan. We also requested that no matter which kind of birth I would endure, Can would be present. He vowed never to leave my side again, and I fully trusted him. Not every doctor will allow the father to be present for a cesarean birth, so it’s good to talk about this crucial detail up front just in case a surgical birth is necessary.

When we gave our doctor the three-page birth plan, he was shocked. This is not a common procedure in Turkey, and many doctors will take offense to this practice that is common in the US. One of my American friends who also gave her Turkish doctor a birth plan was reprimanded when her doctor saw with outrage that she specified how he should stitch her up in the event of a C-section.

While my doctor didn’t yell at me, I could see that I wounded him as he felt that the three pages he was holding signified a lack of trust in him. I patiently explained that I just wanted him to be aware of what I wanted in case of any kind of birth scenario. I told him to view all of the points listed as discussion points, and that in the extreme case that I were to become incapacitated, he could review my birth plan to see what my wishes would be.

I was preparing to give birth in a foreign country, and I was scared and confused. I wanted to be clear from the beginning what I expected from him and the hospital, and I in turn wanted to know what they could or could not do for me. Thankfully my doctor understood and did not take too much offense.

While I advise pregnant expats to give their doctors birth plans, beware that your practitioner may feel upset and/or offended. I justified this by reminding myself that my doctor attends lots of births. This, however, is MY birth and I wanted to make it as relaxed and stress-free for everyone involved. Great research must be done in order to learn the differences between birth procedures in Turkey and in an expat’s home country. I didn’t want to feel disgruntled after our son was born because I had felt powerless and allowed certain procedures to be performed on me or my baby that I was against. I made those clear in the birth plan. My doctor told me that a lot of what I was refusing was standard procedure, but that they could make some exceptions. Like most things in Turkey, even a birth plan is negotiable.