I was no different. My pregnancy thus far had been full of surprises and had not given me the blissful, powerful feeling I always thought I would feel when I became pregnant. Instead I felt insecure, afraid and paranoid. And in addition to that, I was experiencing all of this outside of my country and culture and far from my family. An American living the expat life in Turkey for more than seven years, I thought I had experienced all forms of culture shock. After I became pregnant, I got to see my adopted homeland in a different light.The complications I had early in my first trimester left me doubting that I would be able to carry this baby to full term, despite my doctor’s positive prognosis. My Turkish husband, Can, was away for training in Antalya, and I didn’t want to worry him with how quickly I was slipping into depression. Whenever we talked on the phone, or saw each other every two weeks, I put on a sunny face to mask my insecurity. Thankfully I realized what was happening to me and how dangerous it was for me and my baby. I resolved to try and focus on my birth and tried to involve my husband in my pregnancy as much as possible despite the distance.
Alone in Istanbul, I began to research what kind of birth I wanted to have. The first book I picked up, the classic “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” by Heidi Murkoff, made me more paranoid and scared; I strongly recommend pregnant women of all backgrounds to stay away from it. The next book I read was “The Natural Pregnancy Book” by Aviva Jill Romm, which calmed a lot of my fears and made me feel that I could have a more positive and healthy pregnancy and birth. I highly recommend this book for women who, like me, have experienced fears or doubts abouttheir pregnancies. As I turned the pages, I felt like I could finally take a deep breath and take steps to make my pregnancy and upcoming birth better. My years as a nanny back in Michigan also came back to help me, where I had worked for women who had experienced a wide variety of births, from home births to C sections. I knew that I wanted to give a natural, vaginal birth without any medication. Could I have this kind of birth in Turkey? What did I need to do to prepare both my husband and myself for this kind of birth? I sat down and made a list of the kind of environments I wanted for my birth. Already in the middle of a stressful pregnancy, what else could I do besides reading books to make my birth as relaxing as possible?
My next order of business was to try and get my husband to observe the kind of birth I wanted. Another American expat, a doula with a practice in Istanbul, offered free monthly movie nights of birth videos. If I asked Can to come with me, I was sure he would say no, so I decided to trick him into coming. One Saturday he was scheduled to come home, and I picked him up from the airport and drove him directly to the doula’s office for the movie before he had a chance to say no. I not only wanted him to get an idea of what natural birth was about, but also to meet the doula and learn what role she played in births. A doula is a non-medical birth assistant who primarily provides support for the mother. Since no one from my family would be able to make it to my birth, I wanted Can to consider hiring a doula for me. When I picked Can up from the airport, he was not amused when he learned where we were going, but he gamely went along with it. I refrained from telling him the title of the movie, “Orgasmic Birth,” which would have made him turn the car around.
When we got to the doula’s house, we were the only couple there for the movie showing. Since it was summer most people were on holiday, but the doula agreed to show it to us anyway. At this point Can was irritated, and it only got worse as he watched hippie-type women giving birth outside amidst blooming flowers. I started to cry at his insensitivity, even though I knew a birth like the ones we were watching was virtually impossible in Istanbul. What was wrong with him? Why couldn’t we share one pleasant moment of this pregnancy together?
Then, to my surprise he also started crying as he told me about his training for that week. As a pilot, he was required to take an in-depth first aid course, which had included learning how to deliver a baby in case a woman went into labor mid-flight. They had to watch several videos of births that week, and he was so upset at the trauma those women faced, which was a stark contrast to the women on the film we were currently watching who calmly pushed their children out amidst colorful flowers, more like a postcard than labor. He was so nervous and was scared at the amount of pain the birth might cause me. We both went from crying to laughing as I put myself in his position. Even though distance separated us for many weeks, we both were involved in this pregnancy and both thinking the same things. Can supported my desire for a natural birth, and we both set about researching how and if we could have a birth like this in Istanbul.
My first quest was to develop a support system of like-minded people to attend my birth. My husband and possibly a doula, but outside of that I didn’t want anyone else. I knew this might hurt my mother-in-law, but given our recent spats I couldn’t see how she could be a supportive person in my birthing room, and I explained to Can that he needed to keep her as far from me as possible during my labor. I needed to think about my baby and myself only and not worry about any drama she might create. Can agreed, even though it hurt him. He still had this fantasy that one day his mom and I would both wake up and be best friends, incredibly unlikely given the events of the past year. Developing a positive birth environment early on is an important step for an expectant mother, be she expat or native. As expats, since we are generally far from our families, this is even more crucial. Can and I also decided to enroll in a birthing class together, to make sure that we were both on the same page and equally prepared. Finally, we both were able to start enjoying our pregnancy together as we prepared for the future.
