[ASK THE EXPAT] Dealing with harassment

If you notice someone starring at you, as annoying and sometimes scary as it is, I’d stay alert but pretend to ignore it. If you are on the bus and someone touches you, shouting “çok ayıp” (shameful) or “ne yapıyorsun?” (what are you doing?) should embarrass them enough to leave you alone.

A few months after I first moved to İstanbul I noticed a man starring at me on the bus while I was on my way to work. To my horror he got off the bus at the same stop as me and started following me. He tried to talk to me, first in Turkish and then in English, and blocked my path. Like you, I was worried about giving a culturally appropriate response, mainly because I didn’t want to wind up in an even worse situation. Being as polite as possible but seething on the inside, I was eventually able to get rid of him. My boss saw how angry I was the moment I walked into the office. After finding out what happened, she grabbed my hand and took me outside to see if he was still around. Seeing the man waiting for another bus, she marched towards him and started yelling. This went on for several minutes and attracted a sizable audience.

Dealing with the situation with a minimum of fuss was probably the best option for me at the time, and I’m not suggesting that you start yelling at the next person who makes you feel uncomfortable. However, watching the way my boss dealt with the situation made me realize that there aren’t culturally appropriate responses to culturally inappropriate situations. That line has already been crossed. The only thing you should be thinking about in these situations is your own safety.

Liz says: Accept that if you’re foreign you’re going to be an object of curiosity here. If you’re female and foreign then you’re probably going to be on the receiving end of unwanted attention from sleazy men. This kind of harassment is alien and uncomfortable and sometimes so subtle that your brain refuses to believe the evidence and it’s hard to know how to react. The best thing is to avoid eye contact with men, particularly if you are captive on public transport. If you feel someone’s eyes boring into you, you might feel like staring them down, but I’ve found maintaining eye contact for more than a nanosecond will be taken as blatant encouragement. In the cramped conditions we travel in you can find all manner of foreign objects being pressed up against you. The first time this happened to me I asked a Turkish female workmate how to deal with it. She said: “Be assertive. You have to tell them off. If you don’t, they’ll think you like it.” It’s probably easier to do that when it’s your own culture or if you’ve been living here longer and feel more confident. The non-confrontational way to deal with being groped is to move. Just get out of range, don’t stay there politely, kidding yourself it didn’t happen. The last man to grab a handful of my backside made me so angry I slapped him. More risky, but oh so satisfying.

Rose says: Ugh. With the advent of warm weather, İstanbul’s buses overflow with ripe smells and inappropriate staring. As a foreigner, it can be difficult to gage what response will be culturally appropriate, strong enough to make your message clear and safe to make. If glaring back doesn’t work, I find a sharp “çok ayıp!” (how shameful) or if you’re really annoyed, “defol git!” (Scram/get out of here!) does wonders. “Çok ayıp!” especially draws attention from the rest of the passengers, who will be more than interested in why the guy is being shameful to a woman, and a guest/foreigner at that, and will usually take care of things for you. It’s important to remember, if you’re worried about making a scene or being inappropriate, that they have already created the inappropriate situation. Also, many times guys here who choose to stare at or grope foreign women do so because they don’t think you’ll know how to respond. Often the shock of you responding at all will unnerve them.

Bridget says: Groping someone is never OK, anywhere. Don’t worry about making a scene or being culturally insensitive because it is unacceptable behavior.

The first day I moved to İstanbul I was groped on a bus going to Taksim and didn’t say anything since I was so surprised and shocked. It all happened so fast. However, I soon realized the best thing to do is to tell the person off, loudly, and soon other Turks will come to your defense. Turn to the person, make eye contact and say “çok ayıp” (very shameful) or “şerefsiz” (honorless). The person will most likely sheepishly look at you, and people on the bus/street/tramway, etc. will stare at the person or angrily yell at them. It’s very important to say something not only to defend yourself but to let the person know it’s not acceptable.

I also find that with time, you are able to spot potential “gropers.” This may sound strange, but the first few times I’ve seen said people I ignored my intuition, and lo and behold I was touched. Go with your gut. That being said, of course there is no way to know 100 percent who will be the culprit, but be aware of your surroundings, and if you ever feel uncomfortable, try to remove yourself from the situation.

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