[Diary of an Expat Bride] Dealing with the ex factor

My parents married young, didn’t go to college, and according to both, they married their first (and hopefully only) sweethearts. Can’s parents also married young and say the same. I don’t doubt either of them, as times were a lot different in the 1970s in my small town in Michigan and Can’s small town in Turkey. Can and I, however, both have had different life experiences. If asked 10 years ago I, too, would have loved to marry my first boyfriend, but it unfortunately was not to be. After that difficult breakup followed two other serious relationships, one of which was also serious enough for an engagement. Can, too, had two serious relationships before me and had lived for many years with one of his girlfriends.

I moved to Turkey as a single woman a few years before meeting Can and had learned enough about Turkish culture to respect the jealousy that is so prevalent in many aspects of life here. Many of my Turkish girlfriends hide their past relationship histories from their spouses or current boyfriends, afraid of the consequences. Turkish men also keep mum, which to me creates a climate of mistrust. My suspicions are further confirmed when I hear my friends say that they constantly check their partners e-mail and SMS messages without their knowledge, looking for anything suspicious. While this worked for them, to me it seemed unhealthy. I found it hard to date in Turkey, as just when I would start to think seriously about someone and open up about my past, they would deem it unacceptable and I would be left smarting and embarrassed. Was it better to lie and pretend to be pure like so many of my friends? This wasn’t me.

When I met Can through friends he told me about his serious girlfriend he had lived with in California. Although we still didn’t know each other that well, I appreciated his immediate honesty. I in turn told him about my previous engagement, in a challenging way that dared him to judge me for it. To my happiness and surprise, we both built our relationship based on this common ground. Can was not like any other man I had dated, and it was such a whiff of fresh air to be able to talk freely. The people who shaped our past were important in the development of the people we became. I loved my previous fiancé very much, and it was mostly because of meeting him that I first started studying Turkey. That eventually put me on the path to moving here where, I eventually met and married Can. Important stepping stones in my life, my exes will never be forgotten, and I sincerely wish that they find the happiness that I now have. Can’s relationships provided a similar base for his life.

Just because we were open and honest about our past didn’t mean that everything went smoothly in Can’s and my relationship. Especially the first year, Can would feel especially uptight and jealous when I would go home and visit the US for a few weeks. Was I also checking in to see how my old flames were doing? How could he know? Similarly, was Can also keeping tabs on his exes and seeing them while I was away? With mediums such as Facebook, Twitter and e-mail it has become easier and easier to check up on old love interests without getting caught. I had to trust that Can was staying true to me, while I was staying true to him. No matter how happy we might be in our current relationship, curiosity can exist about what is going on with our former partners. I believe this is healthy and in no way shows dissatisfaction with our current partners. Curiosity is healthy; maintaining contact, however, is not. We can’t erase the past, especially ones filled with strong feelings. Just because that person may have physically disappeared from your life does not mean that their image and feelings are erased. Life is not that simple.

Sometimes Can will tell me a funny story of something that happened before, and he will accidentally mention his ex-girlfriend. I never get angry about this, as he was dating this girl well before he met me. Similarly, Can has accepted the fact that my best friend is married to the brother of my ex-fiancé, whose name inevitably comes up whenever we see them. Trust is so important for me and Can, as it would be so easy to make each other crazy over jealousy. By talking openly about our fears and concerns pertaining to the other’s past, we create a stronger bond between us. Cheating in today’s world is easy, as is covering it up. I would never cheat on Can nor he on me. Why not build up our relationship with trust by talking openly?

This point was brought home when Can and I were separated while he underwent flight training in Germany for six months. Newly married but physically separated, our relationship was tested. Emotions were also high as we both dealt with my difficult pregnancy. It would be so easy for anger and jealousy to make us both paranoid, but thankfully we both fought this off and talked through everything. It wasn’t perfect, but our marriage did survive its first big test. Can still at times checks out my Facebook page and asks about my friends there. I answer him honestly, and he trusts me. Neither of my exes are on my Facebook page as I have no contact with either of them. Just because we talk openly about our past doesn’t mean that they are a part of our current lives. Neither of us speaks to or hears from our exes, nor have we since we began our relationship together.