[Diary of an Expat Bride] Honeymoon

At first, Can and I did not plan on taking a honeymoon until later in the year. However, an aunt on Can's father's side insisted on sending us to an all-inclusive resort as her wedding gift. I was shocked at such a generous gift from someone I had met for the first time at the wedding. Family relations still mystify me in Turkey, and while I was thankful for the gift, I felt uncomfortable at how big a gift it was. How could we properly thank her? I felt like a simple phone call and thank-you card were not enough. I decided to leave most of this to Can, since what I thought I knew about Turkey after six years of living here and what I was discovering from my close encounters with Can's family were two entirely different things.

We arrived at the Susesi Resort in Antalya in May, a beautiful month to be in southern Turkey. Pleasantly hot, without the excessive humid temperatures characteristic of summer in Antalya. Our hotel was beautiful, and there was a bottle of champagne and a tray of exotic desserts in our room when we checked in. We threw open our balcony doors and set up camp to take in the magical sea view while savoring our dessert and drinks. We also were entitled to eat at a different specialty restaurant three or four times during our stay, which was included in the honeymoon package. It was so nice to relax, go to the beach, and be catered to. Can and I were happy to finally be married. We didn't need a big wedding or honeymoon to make us cherish the most important thing, which was being together.

Throughout the past year we had learned a lot about each other, our respective cultures and our families. This had not always gone well, or ended positively. However, each conflict had made us stronger and taught us how to make our relationship more flexible. The air was still sour after my confrontations with my mother-in-law before, during and after my wedding. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop thinking about it even while trying to relax and bask in post-wedded bliss. There are always good and bad parts to every relationship, and I knew without a doubt that my new “anne” was the shadow hovering over our happiness. In all fairness, I don't think she honestly means to cause the trouble that she does. She has an inability to think of other people or how her words and actions either positively or negatively affect others. I was not the only person to have experienced her sharp tongue. However, what bothered me the most was our inability to acknowledge the elephant in the room that had been a presence with us since Can and I first moved in together. Since that moment, she had made a point to be in the middle of every aspect of our lives, in ways that mostly caused conflict and angst. Whenever I tried to talk openly to her, she would shut me down. I would be left to shut up and fume. I knew there would be no way to talk about the events of our wedding, that she would deny everything. Fighting with her accomplished nothing. At least Can was recognizing this and, tired of my tears, had agreed to a few vows I demanded of him while we sunned near the sea.

First, I asked Can to not pressure me to see his mother more than once a week. We don't live that far away, and I can't take seeing her more in a week. She usually calls two or three times a day, which to me is excessive enough. She wouldn't even give us a moment's peace on our honeymoon. Second, I told Can to get it out of his head that his mother and I would ever be friends. I would do my duty and see her occasionally, but that was it. No chummy trips to the mall, no extra socializing. As far as I was concerned, I was finishing things with one relationship in order to save my marriage, by far more important. I was lucky to have had several conversations with my own mother before she left for the US, and she was able to give me lots of helpful advice, since she too has a difficult mother-in-law. She told me that no matter what, I shouldn't put Can in the middle. By putting limits on how much I would see her, it would help me stay mentally stable while also keeping Can happy by still visiting his family. I had to try, no matter what, not to be bitter, even after almost two years of her drama. I couldn't change a woman in her mid-50s; I could only learn how to deal with her. I had to be flexible, but not breakable.

Too soon, our wonderful honeymoon drew to a close, and we headed back to reality in İstanbul. Even though we were returning to the same house we lived in together before marriage, everything felt different. Somehow our mutual signatures on a piece of paper changed everything, and for the better. There will be lots of bumps ahead in our life together, especially with his mother, but I am confident that the love and respect Can and I have for each other will get us through it. I feel better now that I have official status as his wife, and better able to stand up for myself within the family. My goal is to try and keep harmony within the family, while also not losing too much of myself and what I hold dear. I think this is a healthy recipe for any marriage, not necessarily just ones that cross cultures. Newlywed bliss may seem overly optimistic, but I am determined to remain positive as long as possible. I love my husband and this country which I now call home, and I won't let something get in the way of that without a good fight. We might not see eye to eye on every issue, but as long as Can and I keep communicating openly, there is no conflict that we can't somehow work out. We had these ingredients from the beginning, and it will take more than my mother-in-law to erase it. I am glad I went through this process, because through the stress we were able to see each other in our true light. Now, we all know what we are in for in the adventure that will be the rest of our life.