Dancing with a partner looks so easy and graceful on programs such as “So You Think You Can Dance,” but the reality, in high shoes and a big dress, is so much more difficult than expected. I took relief from the fact that most weddings I had attended in America and in Turkey featured similar uncomfortable first dances such as ours. Can was very nervous and tried to hide it by occasionally waving to people. When the music finally stopped, we began to make our rounds to collect our gold. My sister handed me a small satin pouch where our guests would put their gifts as we went from table to table. We first went to kiss our families, and my new mother-in-law put a beautiful pearl ring with a matching bracelet on me. A gift of jewelry is a common gift to the bride from the groom's family. When we went to my family's table, my father put an envelope of money into Can's pocket, also a common gift to the groom from the bride's family. Over the next two hours, we kissed cheeks and had our pictures taken with each table, as they either put gold coins in the pouch or placed gold bracelets on my wrist. My feet started to hurt, and my cheeks felt sore after smiling for so many pictures. Since this ritual is expected of the bride and groom, we missed most of the fun part of our wedding and looked forward to watching the DVD later.
After a while, my pouch couldn't fit any more gold, and my sister had to come to my rescue with a big plastic bag to empty it into. I wanted to empty it away from the eyes of our guests, but the photographers wouldn't let me leave. So, we hurriedly did what we could. When we had been to each table, I wanted to rest but the photographers needed to have some shots of us dancing. So, with aching feet, we joined our guests and danced our hearts out for another hour or so. We were so happy to celebrate with our friends and family. Most of our guests didn't leave until after the band stopped, and we finally sat down. For all of the planning, everything had gone so fast and I barely remembered it. As Can and I retired to our room with our families, I hoped that the tension between my mother-in-law and me could finally dissipate. The minute we opened the door to our room, she ran to the safe and took our gold. Then, the yelling started.
“How could you embarrass me like that?” she asked me. Exhausted, I had absolutely no idea what she was talking about. She told us that she was furious that we had rudely dumped our gold into a big bag in front of everyone. Then, she started yelling at my sister because there was a hole in the corner of the bag, and we could have lost some coins. I was too tired to translate this to my sister, who thankfully could understand none of what she said.
“Mom, let's talk about it in the morning,” Can said, and shooed them out the door, Sinem-teyze with the gold in hand. Can and I collapsed and fell asleep, a very unromantic conclusion to our nuptials. In the morning, we went to their house with my family for a farewell meal. My family was leaving the next day, and Can's family wanted to have one more day with them before they left. When we got there, I knew we were in trouble. To be fair, everyone had been incredibly stressed out over the past few weeks preparing for the wedding, no one more so than Sinem-teyze. Now that the wedding was over, it was inevitable that there would be a big blow up. The first thing Sinem-teyze did when we walked in was to tell us exactly how much gold we had gotten. My father-in-law joked and said that after they got back from the wedding she and her sister hadn't even bothered to take their shoes off before they started counting it. Speechless, I went into the bedroom and saw all of our wedding gold separated into piles. “Where are all the cards?” I asked, recalling that several of our friends had also given us cards with their gifts. These were mainly from my foreign friends. “Oh, I threw them away. They weren't important,” said Sinem-teyze.
I felt so violated. I asked her why she didn't wait until we were there before she sorted and opened our presents. My mother-in-law and her sister immediately got in my face and started yelling at me that I was acting ungrateful and that I was embarrassing them in front of my family. I couldn't breathe and gasped for air while Can ran to get my asthma inhalator from my bag. Stress can trigger an attack, and I was definitely stressed now. I could barely fight to breathe, much less defend myself as they continued to attack me. My mom came in and quietly assessed the situation. The two women plastered smiles on their faces in an attempt to show my mom that everything was OK, but my mom could see my state and knew what was going on without having to understand what they were saying. As I struggled to get my breath back, my mother-in-law hissed to me that I shouldn't stress my mom out before she left the next day. My mom stood next to me, and I just told her that we would talk later. I just needed to get through this meal, send my parents back to the US and escape on our honeymoon. The dye was cast. There was no way I was ever going to refer to this woman as “Anne,” neither now nor ever.
We muddled through the meal, and then Can's mother dropped the final bomb. The gold was going to be put in her safety deposit box at her bank, and only she would have a key and access to it. Wonderful. Now I would have to ask for permission like a child to get my gifts. I was too tired to fight that day, but things were far from over. So many things had happened already, and they had built up inside me until we were at a crisis point. I would probably never win against her, but there was no way I was going down without a fight. Somehow, I would have to draw the line, but without breaking apart the family. It was only now that I truly began to respect my own mother and the small battles I had seen her fight almost every day with her own mother-in-law. My parents still have a happy marriage, so I took heart and vowed to take her as an example. I wasn't going to let my mother-in-law come between us and our new marriage.
