One mom’s story: Overcoming obstacles through love and compassion

When they arrived, the school superintendent was waiting for them in front of the door. Imitating her son's handicapped arm, the superintendent told her that her son did not set a good example for other children and dismissed him from the school. Touring nearly all around Ankara by car, mom and son cried together all through the day...

“It was a painful but special day for me,” says Reyhan Gazel, vice chairwoman of the Prime Ministry Administration for Disabled People, in an interview with Sunday's Zaman. With her eyes full of tears she continues: “At the end of that day I said to my son, from that time on I will struggle both for him and for all disabled children and will never let any of them cry again. Then I asked him, ‘Aral, are you going to stand by me?' He wanted to answer but at that time he could not talk so he only said ‘mummy' and hugged me tightly.” After that incident, Gazel gave up her own profession to advocate for disabled people in Turkey.

 Aral is now 9 years old and has cerebral palsy, which causes problems with his ability to speak easily and to use the right part of his body. He also has various types of other minor disabilities. He can now walk and talk with little difficulty, but for his mum these are not important. What is important for her is Aral's happy childhood. Gazel called her son warmhearted, saying, “If he had been here, he would have just laughed and laughed.”

 According to the Disability Survey, conducted in 2002 by the Turkish Statistics Institute (TurkStat) and the Prime Ministry Administration for Disabled People, 12.29 percent of Turkey's population is disabled, a finding in line with World Health Organization (WHO) figures. This proportion corresponds to 8.5 million people, and when the families of those disabled people are taken into consideration, nearly 30 million people directly experience disability in their homes. Disability is not only disabled people's problem; on the contrary, it is an issue for everyone living in Turkey, as Gazel stated.

 She commended the government and said it always supports disabled people and allows them to draw on disability pensions and provides them care services. “We are supported by the government in everything we need to do. The comfort of being protected by the government is very important for a bureaucrat,” she said, adding that the biggest problems come from society's approach to disability. According to Gazel, society has been unable to internalize the issue of disability so far.

Life can be difficult for disabled people and their families, who often face marginalization by society. At every new step they encounter a new challenge. Gazel has encountered numerous difficulties such as people in public calling her son “insane.” “There is no boundary for love and the heart. These are similar for everyone. Therefore, being scorned and undesired has the same effect on everyone. When you scorn a disabled person, put yourself into his or her place. Then you will be able to understand that this is not a condition you can cope with easily,” said Gazel, adding: “Society has been unable to confront this issue, but I believe that we are on the right track. In recent years, people have started to see disability more positively. Disabled people are no longer merely an object of pity. People have started to understand that disabled people just want their rights and want to be productive members of society.” After saying this, she also underlined her admiration for those disabled people who have been able to achieve great things despite all the difficulties they have in their life.

Looking at life in a new light

When Gazel decided to have a child in 2000, she certainly did not know that her life would unfold much differently than she had planned. She was just a prospective mother full of hopes. With the birth of her son, however, she found herself in a different world. “Suddenly, you find yourself in a life you were not expecting. It is certainly not easy to make sense of and get used to such a condition at first, but I have a philosophy of life: I do not question the things that befall me, I just try to find a solution for them,” Gazel said, and continued to explain her struggle: “When I picked up my son and held him in my arms, I just thought according to my philosophy: I have a son who has difficulties but we have to overcome this situation together with him. To be able to do this, I always believed in myself and never questioned my fate.”

Living with a disabled child requires changes in one's life. Normally, families have difficulty adjusting at first. Gazel and her husband had some problems, too, but they coped with these together, which in turn strengthened their relationship. Gazel expressed the opinion that in such conditions families either come closer together or break up. The reason for the breakup of a family is one side's wish to keep clear of the problems and of the child. But escapism is not the solution. Gazel suggests that to cope with the problems families should get together more tightly because this is not a problem that one can solve on his or her own. Relatives also have an important role on this issue, and they are called “support services.” As for Gazel's relatives, at first they did not accept the situation, but Aral was the family's first grandchild, so they got used to him in time. During their struggle, support services and friends always helped Gazel and her husband.    

Gazel always thinks of disabled children as God's blessings and never regretted having a disabled son. Instead, she became even happier and, looking after her son, she became stronger day by day. With the help of her husband, Fırat Gazel, they created a new world for their son that does not contain distress but love, happiness, production and hard work. Their fine teamwork and the struggle to help a person who started his life with difficulties kept Gazel and her husband strong.

Gazel said that because he was unable to follow a conventional curriculum, she could only register her son for school once he was 9 years old. Before starting his education, Aral had difficulties speaking and walking. To solve problems like these, pre-school education is very important for disabled children. Gazel related that they had lots of difficulty finding an appropriate educational environment and were expelled from seven private pre-school educational establishments because the other families did not want her son around or because of other reasons. She also underlined that such incidents caused emotional trauma for Aral. Now Aral is continuing his education and going to special training three days a week. In school, an expert on child development always helps him to write and to concentrate on lessons. At other times, Aral watches TV, reads some books and generally acts up like any other child.

In their leisure time, Gazel and her family go out, listen to music or tell each other what they did through the day; in other words, they are always occupied with some activity. Gazel says that they never have time to feel depressed or get tired; instead, they have to be energetic and happy despite whatever they may have encountered during the day. “Life with Aral is very upbeat. He does not allow sadness to enter our life,” Gazel said.

‘Maintain peace in your home’

Gazel acknowledges that raising a disabled child can have its frustrations, but stresses the importance of remaining unflappable. She also underlined that mothers should try to stay calm and that when they become distressed, they should slowly breathe three times. She says that this is a method she tries when she feels under too much pressure and continues with suggestions for mothers: “You should never question your fate because these children did not ask or plan to born like this. This is beyond our power, this is fate. What we need to do is to struggle through the difficulties we face. Do not let this power beat you. If you let it, you will experience more psychological problems. We are special mothers of special children, and these children were given us due to our ability to look after them. This is my source of power.” Stating that generally fathers are more likely to have problems adjusting to having a child with disabilities, she continued: “I want to address fathers more because generally they are the ones who leave these children and mothers on their own. Instead of doing this, they should stand by their wives and never feel ashamed of their children. These children are the gifts of God.”

Expressing the sentiment that this is a test of patience, she addressed mothers: “I want to say to all mothers that we will survive these trials together and will receive our reward.”