Little white lies

As all parents know, children learn from watching their parents, authority figures and other children. A result of this is that parents need to look at their own behavior to see what kind of example they set in the home. For example, if a neighbor phones and asks to speak to one of their parents and the child is instructed by the parent to tell the caller that they are not at home, what kind of message has that child just received? This kind of action can make the child uncomfortable, knowing that they have just been told to lie, while at the same time knowing that they have been told that lying is wrong.

There is a big difference between the large, blatant lies that we all recognize and the little white lies that we tell, almost unconsciously, every day. A friend may ask about a particular problem you do not want to discuss at the moment, so you opt to take the easy way out and say everything is fine even though it is not. A neighbor may bring you a plate of food that you do not like, but you smile, graciously accept it and say how much you look forward to including it in your dinner menu.

In Turkey, it seems to be very easy to slip into a routine of little white lies throughout the day as I interact with others. Neighbors will stop to ask questions that to me are of a personal nature and which I respond to in vague ways in an effort to change the subject without seeming rude. If I run into someone on the street who I know, but do not feel a particular closeness to or affinity with, I often find myself saying: “Oh, yes, we must get together soon. Please drop by, I am waiting for you.” I say this, knowing that it is considered a polite thing to say in Turkey, but in reality, hoping that they do not take me up on my offer. Maintaining a polite façade, allowing the other person to save face and trying to be polite if at all possible are just a few of the very positive attributes of Turkish culture. However, to many Westerners, these very same assets can be seen as contributing to our lives filled with little white lies.

We all know that lying is wrong, but how do we decide when to tell a white lie and when to simply tell the brutal truth and risk offending someone else? If we do opt to be frank with a neighbor or friend, how will that, in turn, affect our relationship with them in the future, as well as our relationships with other friends and neighbors? Over time, I have learned from personal experience with the mother of one of my son’s classmates that it is often more acceptable here to simply tell a white lie in order to keep the peace, rather than directly confronting a problem. Directness, often a part of Western cultures, is not always the best policy when dealing with situations in Turkey. It is simply a difference in cultures about how problems are addressed.

The question still remains of where, as parents, do we draw the line between lies and little white lies? How do we teach our children to be honest when they witness us not being entirely truthful in our own lives and in our interactions with others? I think that there is no clear answer. There are times when a little white lie may be necessary.

I try to talk with my son about issues of honesty whenever a situation arises that warrants it. He knows that none of us should lie, but he also knows that in reality, a vast number of people lie every day about large and small issues. He understands that blatant lies are unacceptable and that if he does something wrong, he is expected to admit it and accept responsibility without lying. However, there is the gray area where a white lie might be more appropriate in order to spare another person’s feelings or let them save face.

How do parents set the best example for their children to follow? It is a constant balancing act, and one that is not easy to accomplish. Children learn by watching us and repeating our own actions.