He did not even have to pause to think of a reply. He simply grinned and said: “Watching my son as he learns to smile at us. There is nothing in the world that compares to watching that little smile as it spreads across his face when he sees us.” He was then asked if he had learned anything about himself since becoming a father. He reflected on the question before replying: “I am slowly learning patience from my son. And I have discovered that I am a much quieter and gentler person that I thought I was.”Children, even newborn babies, teach their parents. As we struggle to understand and cope with the needs and desires of our children, in the process, we are constantly learning from them. We have to learn by trial and error to decipher what each new sound and movement means so that we can make sure they are fed when hungry, changed when needed and held and comforted when upset. As my friend has discovered, with a child to take care of, the parents' perspective of the world changes. No longer are we free to do as we please and keep to our previous schedules. With a newborn, in particular, the center of our personal world becomes that child and their needs. What we would like to do often falls by the wayside as we find our own priorities shifting.
All of us at the table began to discuss how we had each changed and what we had personally discovered about ourselves since becoming parents. We all agreed that we had learned to be much more patient people. Those with older children laughingly talked about the vast reserves of patience that they found necessary when dealing with their teenaged children. I have to agree with the others that as a parent, you do sometimes have to struggle to be patient, biting your tongue when necessary, forcing yourself to slow down to accommodate the slower pace of a child or pausing to investigate an insect crawling on a flower instead of rushing past.
Our own powers of observation tend to grow alongside our young children. As they make new discoveries about the world around them, we too learn to take a new look at our surroundings. In our haste to meet the demands of work and home, we often fail to notice the simple things around us. A child, however, can find immense pleasure in simply sitting by the water, watching boats and counting fish. All the parents recounted new ways that they had learned to view the world since having children. From my own son, I have learned to see rainbows in the water and in splashes of oil on the road. These were never important to me before, but he has taught me to look more closely at my own world and find beauty where I least expect it.
We all spoke of just how frustrating it can be when trying to juggle the responsibilities of children, family and work. All the parents present were working parents, and each had stories of failed attempts to get to meetings on time and missed deadlines due to a child's crisis. There are times that we have to draw on those reserves of patience so that we can cope with the stress that quickly builds in our lives. The newest parent told us about how his newborn recently went for 14 hours without sleeping. As he and his wife traded duties and stayed up with the child while the other one slept, he found himself pushed physically and emotionally to the edge as the child cried and fussed. Knowing that his son was healthy and that there were no medical problems causing the lack of sleep, he walked him, cuddled him and tried to entertain the baby. There were moments, he said, when he did not know if he had the patience to be a parent.
The rest of us nodded, remembering ourselves in similar situations. Our advice was simple. Make sure the child is safe and then step out onto the balcony for a few minutes by yourself. Take deep breaths, have a cup of coffee or do something that will help relax you for a few minutes. Remember that the situation will improve, even though at the moment it may not seem possible.
Our conversation reminded me about the mother and child I wrote about in a recent column. Obviously upset with her child, she was hitting her as they walked down the street. It is so easy for parents to feel overwhelmed and frustrated, and these feelings can easily turn to anger or rage. These are the moments that, as hard as it might be, we should step back from the situation, take a deep breath and think about the positive aspects of parenting. We will survive the lack of sleep, the missed meetings and the movies we no longer have time to watch. Patience is one of the greatest gifts our children can teach us.
Send comments and questions to k.hamilton@todayszaman.com
