It seems as if he is one of those children who love to create problems both in the classroom and on the playground. Constantly being sent to the director's office for some offense, it makes me wonder if enough has been done to try to help him learn to change his behavior.
Since the beginning of first grade, I have heard the other children refer to him as ill mannered and mean-spirited. Unfortunately, for him, these comments have usually been made either to his mother or directly to his face. This makes me wonder if after hearing these harsh comments for so long, if it is possible that he now has come to accept these descriptions of himself as being true.
When Ali Adem began second grade, he suddenly started talking back to my husband and me and arguing rudely. I suspect that this was his way of testing boundaries and also a bit of mimicking his classmate. At first, we took away privileges as punishment, but found that had little effect on his behavior. I then decided to change tactics and, instead of punishing him for wrong actions and words, I rewarded him with praise for his positive points. We worked together to create a monthly chart to keep track of his progress in speaking nicely, doing his homework in a timely manner, picking up his toys and helping wash the dishes. The chart is divided into days, with a square for each item. Every day we evaluate his behavior and decide if he is eligible to place a sticker on the squares for that day. At the end of the month, if all the squares are filled, we decide together what special treat he will earn for all his hard work and good manners. Sometimes he chooses a movie to see, an outing to some place special or an additional car for his racetrack set. By changing my own way of dealing with his behavior, his attitude and actions, in turn, changed.
Obviously, our chart system works to correct minor issues and is not designed to address major problems. But, by using it, I learned that how parents react makes a big difference. Since we started reinforcing good behavior rather than focusing on the bad, Ali Adem now understands that he is responsible for his actions and their consequences. This is not to say that I have a little angel at home, but we rarely have punishment meted out any longer.
When there has been a problem, we address the issue directly by sitting together and talking. We make sure that Ali Adem has the chance to explain his role in any particular situation. We then discuss punishment, if needed, and actions he can take in the future. This gives him the chance to present his side of an argument or problem. By allowing him to have a voice, he knows that we respect him. His classmate, however, may not have such a system of support at home. His mother often tells him he is a bad boy. This makes me wonder if there is any real communication between them in their own house. If he constantly hears from classmates, teachers and parents that he has no manners and cannot behave, how long until that becomes his reality? Children want to live up to our expectations of them, but if they only hear negative comments about themselves, this can damage their sense of self-worth.
I do not know how this child's parents discipline him or what his home environment is like. Each family has to find what works best for their own situation. However, I can watch and learn from the interactions I witness at the school, the parks and our local café. Without being aware of it, this mother and her child have taught me quite a bit about relationships over the past two years. They have also taught me about the importance of words. Children believe what they are told, both good and bad.
Children of all ages need to feel secure, loved and know that they are important, especially at home. I have always tried to keep that in mind when disciplining Ali Adem. I make a point to stress that I may sometimes not like what he says or does, but that in no way affects my love for him. Over time, he has learned that our home is a safe haven -- a place where we love and respect each other, even if we sometimes are at odds or disagree.
Send comments and questions to k.hamilton@todayszaman.com
