At his school, birthdays are small celebrations that are breaks in the regular routine. Invitations are handed out to the class a few days ahead of time so that students have time to purchase a small, inexpensive gift. Parents bring cake and juice that is shared with the class and teacher, gifts are opened and then party favors are distributed to each student in the class by the birthday boy or girl. The entire process takes only about 30 minutes.
This particular event, however, turned out to be yet another chance for Ali Adem to learn a new lesson from his sometimes friend, sometimes antagonist Efe. When party announcements were handed out, Efe made a point to inform Ali Adem that he would never give him a present. Understanding that Efe was trying to hurt his feelings, Ali Adem simply shrugged his shoulders and told him, "That's OK, I don't expect one from you."
On the day of the party, Ali Adem and I talked about Efe and his comments as we took our usual morning stroll to school. Knowing that he most probably would not bring Ali Adem a present, I wanted to make sure he would not be sad, or mad, about the situation. "Mommy," he said as we walked hand in hand. "It doesn't matter if he gives me a gift or not. I gave him a present on his birthday, and it's up to him if he wants to give me one back. If he does, that would be very nice of him, but if he doesn't, well, I have lots of other presents at home already." Proud of my son's attitude and level of maturity, I leaned down and kissed his cheek as he entered the schoolyard.
Later that day, I returned to the school carrying all the party accoutrements. After candles were lit and the birthday song sung, pieces of pastry and cups of juice were distributed to the class. As I cut the cake, Efe came to my side several times and, pointing to part of the cake that had extra icing and decorations, requested that his slice come from that choice section. Ali Adem was at my side, overseeing the distribution, and he nodded to me, indicating that it was fine with him that Efe receive the piece of cake that he kept asking for. After refreshments, gifts were distributed, with Efe being the lone student who did not bring a gift, or even wish Ali Adem a happy birthday personally. As the teacher and I cleared up the mess left behind, the students ran outside for a brief recess in the garden.
After school, Ali Adem and I stopped at the local cafe for a small after-school snack. Efe and his mother were also at the cafe, but, as usual, my greetings to her went unanswered. She did, however, call Ali Adem over to their table. "Efe forgot about your birthday," she told him, adding, "I promise Efe will bring you a gift tomorrow." When he returned to our table, he asked: "Mommy, do you think she is telling the truth, or is she lying about Efe bringing a present tomorrow? He didn't forget it was my birthday. Before we left school yesterday, he told me again that he would never give me a present." Stroking his hair, I said: "Let's wait and see. You should always give people a chance to do the right thing. After all, there have been a couple times that you forgot to bring a present for a friend's birthday, and you gave it to them a day late. Wait and see what happens."
The next day Efe did not mention the birthday present, and Ali Adem did not ask him about his mother's promise. As we walked home together, Ali Adem asked: "Why did Efe's mother lie to me? Efe didn't want to give me a birthday present, and that's OK. But, why did she promise something and then not do it?" I had no answer for this particular question.
Efe and Ali Adem play together at school, but will probably always have a strained relationship, partly due to the attitude of Efe's mother toward my son and me. Through their interactions, however, Ali Adem is constantly presented with opportunities to learn and grow. The absence of a gift did not bother him. It was a promise given, and broken, by an adult that still confuses him. At our house, he knows that we make every effort to fulfill promises made; however, he has learned that some people easily make promises they do not intend to keep. This was a lesson I had hoped he would not have to learn until much later in life.
Send comments and questions to k.hamilton@todayszaman.com
