I have found it helpful to take special notice of things I enjoy about living in the host culture. It helps me not focus on the negative. Here are a couple of examples that have made Western Today’s Zaman readers uncomfortable:Smoking in the home?
Neither my husband nor I are smokers and we dislike the scent of smoke -- no smoking! When we have guests over, we mention it. Our Turkish friends are surprised at our frankness and that we don’t allow guests to smoke in our home. Twice now we have had a couple over and have noticed after they have left that our bathroom smells like smoke. I’m pretty sure it is the wife who is smoking in the bathroom. I don’t really want to be more confrontational. What if I install a smoke alarm in my bathroom? From Lynne R., Ataşehir.
Dear Lynne R., certainly installing a smoke alarm would do the trick! It might be easier if the weather is nice to suggest to your guest to sit on the balcony or in the garden when she’d like to smoke. Here’s another idea if the weather is not good: Perhaps you should just meet in a smoke-free cafe. Choose your smoke-free cafe carefully, though, if smoke really disturbs you. Some are not that smoke-free!
Many of you are aware that Turkey has a number of NATO bases. American military personnel serving overseas tend to be especially American wherever they are based. It’s easy to be misunderstood when speaking with foreigners in English. Having said this, misunderstandings can happen even among native speakers. Here is a humorous example:
Steven Chapman in Reader’s Digest shares this experience: “After an exhausting military maneuver, our colonel collected his officers and told us: ‘I intend to go home now, open a bottle of wine and sit with my wife in front of the fireplace. I suggest you all do the same.’ ‘Okay, sir,’ shot back one officer, ‘If you don’t think your wife will mind.’”
Wrong interpretations can occur very easily. Always best to be safe than sorry!
Alone with men in the home
A few weeks ago a Today’s Zaman reader wrote to me asking if it is proper in Turkish culture to invite her husband’s friends into the home when he is not at home. They seem to keep dropping by. She is a foreigner and has only been married and living in Turkey for two years. The question came from Ada J.
Dear Ada J., of course there is always an exception to the rule. But in a culture where when workmen are working in your home you leave the front door cracked open some or arrange for a friend to be there with you, I’d say that letting men in when a male relative is not around is not very common. It would be good to hear from some Turks what they would advise. Probably most would agree that usually the husband’s friend knows when he is not at home and would not come by if it was a time when he would not be there. It is putting you in an awkward position and could pose a problem. If nothing else, it could generate some gossip in the building and hurt your reputation.
Here are a few helpful tips:
When you find yourself unsure about how to handle a situation, it’s best to step back from the situation or an event that has bothered you, assess it and search for an appropriate explanation and response.
* Observe how others are acting in the same situation;
* describe the situation, what it means to you, and your response to it;
* ask local residents how they would have handled the situation and what it means in the host culture;
* plan how you might act in this or similar situations in the future;
* test the new behavior and evaluate how well it works.
Although it can all be disconcerting and a little scary, gradually you begin to understand the new culture. It helps to be able to recognize how and when cultural values and behaviors are likely to come into conflict. Knowing this makes it easier to make adjustments that can help you avoid serious difficulties.
