* Which hand to hold the knife in?
* Whether or not, you should engage in conversation at the dinner table? If so, is discussing business appropriate?
* Where should you place your elbows?
* Who should sit down first at the table?
After having lived overseas for a few years, I picked up some European table etiquette which differs from what I was taught as a child. It seemed to some folk back home that I had become ill mannered or forgotten my table manners!
Etiquette and manners are influenced by our perspective of what is right and wrong. Etiquette must include ethics as well as manners. Wouldn’t we all agree that what one is, is certainly of far greater importance than what one appears to be.
If you have friends from different backgrounds it is quite likely you will experience a wide spectrum of lifestyles ranging from the very finest in dining to the other extreme of possibly sitting on the floor and eating with your hands (or as the guest, using a token fork and knife). In some circles males and females may mix comfortably, whereas in a different setting -- a more conservative social setting -- you may find that men and women stick to their own gender. As you can see, there are a variety of scenarios and the answers to questions on etiquette vary. Here are a few comments that have been written by Today’s Zaman readers and others who have read my book, “Culture Smart: Turkey.”
One Today’s Zaman reader wrote and asked me about seating. Connie asks: “Is there a protocol as to who sits where? Should one wait to be seated? Is it acceptable etiquette for men/women to sit next to one another? I am always unsure of what to do.” From Connie, Çekmeköy.
Dear Charlotte, I know in general that a runny nose can be offensive. I have an allergy and sneeze a lot. I am always embarrassed if I need to blow my nose when I am with my Turkish work colleagues or friends. What can I do in order to not be constantly taking care of my nose, especially while trying to eat a meal? From Melissa.
Martin wrote to me a while back asking some questions about body language in Turkey. He wanted to know the following: “How should one sit? Is it bad etiquette to rest elbows on the table? If seated on the floor what is the correct position?” From Martin, UK.
Dear Charlotte, I think my husband, our two kids and I have very good table manners and, in general, great etiquette. I don’t mean to say that we are perfect, we aren’t. But I think good etiquette has to do with mostly having good common sense. From Bethany, Michigan.
A short reply to each is that when it comes to good manners, having common sense and being observant are both important. As Emerson said, “Good manners are made up of petty sacrifices.” Melissa, when it comes to having a runny nose, it is best to turn away from others or excuse yourself from the table and take care of it.
Do you think you would qualify for the Emily Post Manner Award? Etiquette in society, in business, in politics and at home is important. In short, Post says that manners are made up of trivialities of deportment and can be easily learned if you don’t know them. Differing from Cerf’s definition of manners, Post believes that manners are “personality -- the outward manifestation of one’s innate character and attitude toward life.”
How do you measure up?
The rules of etiquette according to Post:
One should:
* arrive at least 10 minutes early;
* pass both the salt and pepper together;
* place a food item directly in front of the person asking for it;
* never grab a roll out of the breadbasket as it is being passed to someone else;
* put the butter on your plate before you spread it on your food;
* scoop the food away from you;
* taste your food before seasoning it;
* never blow on your food to cool it;
* keep elbows off the table;
* not talk with your mouth full;
* cut only enough food for the next mouthful;
* not blow your nose at the dinner table;
* cover your mouth if you cough;
* stand when a woman leaves the table or returns to sit (men only).
How did you do? Of course, it’s all relative. When it comes to cross-cultural dining etiquette, what may be polite in one culture may be rude in another. In some parts of the world, the messier you leave the table, the more you have enjoyed your meal -- or the louder your slurp, the more you liked your soup!
