Roll out the red carpet

Are you falling deeper into debt in terms of dinner parties? Some of you may feel intimidated about hosting a dinner party for your Turkish guests. If you feel like you are building up a lot of IOUs, maybe the following will help you get things in the perspective you are used to.

Turkish hosts like to give a special welcome and treat their guests just so! They do not necessarily roll out a red carpet but the work and planning that goes into the meal is evident.

Have you ever sat in a kitchen with your Turkish friend and watched her make stuffed cabbage leaves (dolma) or baklava? As I watched this once, I thought to myself, how did any one ever imagine this combination -- sautéed rice, pine nuts, currants, herbs mixed together and then tightly wrapped in a delicate translucent leaf of cabbage. The presentation is so impressive! It's so beautifully decorated with lemon wedges around the oval shaped sides of the plate and the dolma is stacked up in almost a half-inch-thick portion.

Feeling slightly intimidated, I complimented my friend on her delicious dish, thinking to myself, how can I ever match this?

In the West we are raised to not fuss over the dinner. By all means, we care how it turns out, but we don't work ourselves into such froth that the whole process ceases to please us and our guests.

"Dear Charlotte: I used to think the hardest guests to impress are my parents and my in-laws, until I came to Turkey. I got around this by asking my mother and my mother-in-law to each contribute a dish at our special dinner party or holiday meal. Usually, by the end of the evening, because they receive many compliments on their cooking, they leave feeling the meal was a real success. I am just as intimidated to cook for Turks. Of course my approach in handling the problem is acceptable back home, but wouldn't it be impolite to ask your Turkish guests to bring a dish." From Mary (Wash. D.C.)

Dear Mary: Few do it better than a Turk when it comes to dinner party meals! Turkish food is so tasteful and tempting and well-prepared. You are right that in general it would be inappropriate to request your Turkish guest to bring a dish. This request may be interpreted in the wrong way...

Here is another letter along the same line of thought:

"Dear Charlotte: I always feel so intimidated when I attend a formal dinner party at one of my husband's Turkish colleague's homes. I find myself thinking that I hope that all the guests at our get-togethers will be forgiving when the napkins don't match or if they are asked to help pour the wine. I hope that people come because they enjoy us, our friends and our family, not because they are expecting the house to be perfect (since it never is). Assuming that our guests appreciate the invitation -- and that they will accept us and our messy house -- takes a great deal of the stress out of entertaining." From Sheila (US)

Dear Sheila (and Mary): I know exactly how you feel and you need to be relaxed.

Here are a few tips that might help you not feel so nervous about giving a dinner party.

Plan the party (e.g. seating, meal and drinks)

Try to do as much advance preparation as possible

To avoid embarrassing moments make a list of the situations or conditions that could cause this and deal with it beforehand (e.g. if conversations splinter into loud groups of two, if your main dish burns, etc.)

Have a dinner bell handy to get attention easily

Expect people to be late so do not have food ready to start at a specific time. This way your main dish may not burn!

As much as possible try to invite people you enjoy

Never serve a dish you have never made before

I stopped trying to make Turkish food for Turks. Because I can never do it as good as they do. So I make easy lasagna. If you want my recipe, write to me.

Remember what your mom probably taught you like mine did me: Your guests are the real stars of the evening, not your food. The food is only your pleasant excuse for getting together.

"The goal of all civilization, all religious thought, and all that sort of thing is simply to have a good time. But man gets so solemn over the process that he forgets the end." -- Don Marquis