Fran and Artun (let’s say) met when she was visiting İstanbul on a business trip. Fran did not know until later that Artun was married and had two young children. Before she married him he told her he had divorced his Turkish wife. Of course, she believed him. Fran and Artun married. About three years later, after they had had they first child, she becomes suspicious. Artun confesses when confronted by Fran, “I was not a very loyal husband to my first wife,” he said. He explained, “It’s not because my first marriage was on the rocks; I just can’t help myself.” Fran shares in her letter that she feels partly to blame, because she became distant and disengaged in their relationship after the birth of their child. Fran says, “I guess I should not have done that but I needed some space and trusted him.”Dear Fran, the same day I received your letter in my Today’s Zaman inbox, I also received in my personal e-mail inbox a similar letter from one of my old friends who I had lost contact with for a couple of years. Now I know why!
I think often people believe that all Turkish men have affairs. I’d like to think that this is not the case, but I can not say for sure because as far as I know there are no statistics on the subject. But my point is this: we all know that the same thing can happen anywhere.
I was shocked and sad when I read about my best friend’s dilemma but her letter was encouraging. Let me tell you how, maybe it will help you in working through your situation with your husband. Even though you are an American and he’s a Turk, we are all humans with personal histories that make us who we are. My friend said she received some pastoral marriage counseling and also read a very helpful book called “Becoming Real” by Dr. Gail Saltz.
Dr. Saltz’s book helps you understand “your story” and how it is keeping you from Authenticity, Personal Freedom, True Strength, Self-Acceptance and Intimacy, the five qualities of Becoming Real.
Sometimes it is not a question of culture, it’s is just plain ole gut feeling. All of us have thought we “knew” someone and then were let down. It’s hard to really know people. Sometimes you think you know someone and even enter into an intimate relationship to later discover that you were wrong; trust was broken. Sadly disappointment and hurt are part of the turmoil life brings our way to help us find ourselves and build character. To help get over it and move on you need to surrender to the fact that life isn’t fair. From Charlotte
Exploring on a different level:
Have you ever noticed that some Turks deeply feel that life hasn’t been fair to them as an individual and /or as a nation It’s victim syndrome. Often this is why they settle for what they have and have little hope things will get better.
Have you ever picked up on any of these expressions?
Others are luckier than me because they were born elsewhere.
The world is always picking on us.
Our lot in life is not as good as others’.
Everyone else in the world misunderstands us.
Others have more than we have.
Dear Today’s Zaman readers, whatever your story and struggle may be it doesn’t help to just dwell on the injustices of the world and feel sorry for “me.”
It’s so true that life is not fair: Deception, betrayal, rejection, abandonment are forms of emotional abuse that individuals and even most nations, on the political level, experience every day around the world.
Such expressions are heard every day everywhere in the world, perhaps by everyone. There are only a couple of things certain in life:
-- the first is that life will continue to confront us with a spectrum of situations that seem unfair;
-- the second is that it is up to us what we do with hard knocks. Faith can give a person the inner strength they need.
Just like Dr. Saltz writes: “Turmoil is a good sign. It’s the place to begin.”
