Martin Luther King, Jr. lived during a time when temperatures, so to say, were at their highest on the issues of racism and prejudice. He dreamed, like every one of us, of having a bright future for his children.
On Saturday I wrote about facing prejudice. It is not always the Turk traveling abroad who may experience a lack of acceptance or be “burned” -- sometimes those who have moved to Turkey can feel rejected or ostracized as well.
Let me share two letters from TZ readers who have written to me:
Jen writes: “It works both ways: an English girl comes out and meets a young handsome Turk and falls in love. Dreams for the future begin, but when she goes home to England, her parents are furious that she is in a relationship with a Turk. It is possible that even his parents are just as disappointed and upset that he is not going to marry one of his own kind.” From Jen in Birmingham, UK
Dear Jen: There is truth in what you write! I have traveled around the world and I have friends in many different countries. Even in Australia, some parents could be upset by their child marrying an American. I have some foreign friends who believe that their spouse’s family would have preferred them to marry one of their own. If it all possible it is important to try to meet the family and see your fiancé on their own turf. If you have met your boyfriend or girlfriend away from their home environment, plan a visit there. This is true for anyone anywhere.
Let me share an experience of another expat who we will call “Ripping Mad” from İstanbul. She did not meet her in-laws and did not see his home situation before they married.
Dear Charlotte: “I am Canadian and my Turkish husband is marrying a second wife illegally in an “imam nikah” (religious ceremony) marriage soon before we are even divorced. This is disgusting to me. He seemed so genuine before this happened. I have given him money and tried to help him get a Canadian visa. I never realized that he was just using me for a visa to Canada. The shock came when he demanded a divorce after Canada refused him and is now marrying a woman from his ‘memleket’ (home town) who his parents found for him. I have no family back in Canada and I had hoped his family would become my family. My dreams are crushed and I am deeply hurt. Actually I would like to expose them all.” From Ripping Mad
Dear Ripping Mad: First, I want to say how sad I am to hear about your situation. You are correct: Turkey is a secular state and a marriage is only legal when conducted by the authorized civil official with the respective civil documentation. Also marriage is strictly monogamous -- one man and one wife, not two or three or even four.
You will be better off when you’re free of the man if he has been physically or verbally abusive. It sounds like it won’t be a big loss either to not have his parents as in-laws. There is much more to life than living unwanted in an abusive and unloving situation.
For TZ readers who do not know the details about getting married in Turkey, let me explain about civil ceremonies.
Only civil ceremonies are legally recognized in Turkey and they are usually performed by the local registrar, lasting approximately five to 10 minutes. The ceremony will be conducted in Turkish, but if one of the two individuals does not know Turkish arrangements for an interpreter to be present throughout the ceremony and to translate should be made.
Religious ceremonies may be held, but only the civil ceremony is valid as a marriage.
Any marriage by an imam (or any other religious leader) does not make the marriage legal. It is sometimes done in Turkey more for ceremony. But this act alone does not make the marriage legal. A civil ceremony is necessary and should take place before any religious ceremony in a mosque, synagogue or church.
When we’ve been hurt and disappointed by people we care for, we must be careful to not to become negative and revengeful. Try to put yourself first and do what is best to keep you well and able to plan for a new future which may include a new love.
The following quote from Mother Teresa does not mean to keep letting ourselves be hurt and dreams destroyed. Think about it:
“I have found the paradox that if you love until it hurts there can be no more hurt, only more love.”
Note: Keep your questions and observations coming: I want to ensure this column is a help to you, Today’s Zaman’s readers. Email: c.mcpherson@todayszaman.com
