They have been busy for the last week or so arranging things for the engagement party. A nice suit for him; a beautiful long red dress for her with graceful, gold high-heeled shoes; printed invitations for family, friends and neighbors; rings to be bought; chairs to be borrowed; a band to be booked; lights to be rigged up outdoors, my … it is almost as tough as planning a wedding.
For Danny it was to be an introduction to engagements, Turkish style. He was to learn that the bride and her family will have been preparing a ceyiz (dowry) which includes nightgowns and other clothing, plates, cups, pots, pans, carpets, bedding, etc. This is kept for the daughter until a marriage date has been set. When a couple decides to get married there are certain steps to be taken: Sözlü, nişanlı and evli.
Sözlü means a pre-engagement arrangement. This is a step of officially seeing each other and spending time together, although not alone. It is a serious commitment and a serious breach of honor if broken. Nişanlı means engaged. The process of becoming engaged involves the entire families. The man’s family goes to visit the woman’s family to ask for her hand in marriage. This is a formal visit: they will be wearing their best clothes and will be given the best refreshments. In order for the prospective bridegroom not to lose face, acceptance or rejection of the proposal is done in a subtle way. The prospective bride will make Turkish coffee. If she wishes to accept or is instructed to do so by her mother, she will put sugar in his coffee. If she wishes to reject, or is instructed to do so by her mother, she will put salt in it. However, as Danny’s parents were in the US and Meryem’s family in İstanbul, I think they might have broken with tradition for this stage in the proceedings! A party is given to celebrate the engagement. This bit wasn’t skipped!
Meryem lives a little way out on the Asian side of İstanbul, just north of the E5 highway. Behind her apartment block is a patch of unused land that serves as the neighborhood party location. We could find it easily, as the music and dancing were in full swing from early evening. A large square was marked out with chairs, filled with family, work colleagues, friends and neighbors.
During the festivities the ring ceremony was performed. Unlike the UK or US where only the girl wears an engagement ring, here both the prospective bride and prospective groom wear one. When the rings are presented they are hung on a red ribbon tied on the finger of the groom-to-be and the bride-to-be, and then the ribbon is cut. The ceremony is overseen by the elder in the family. Everyone cheered. I couldn’t actually see this bit, as the happy couple was surrounded by little children and people taking photos or video.
Then we all gave them our congratulations and presents. I had asked a Turkish friend what would be appropriate: something silver she suggested, a photo-frame or jewelry. So to symbolize their planned union between Turkey and the US I gave her a necklace with two silver pendants: one traditional Turkish in design, the other traditional US.
All the local neighbors and family danced and danced Turkish line dances, many from their original villages, as the reed-pipe and drum played. Then the young guys with their downloaded Turkish pop-songs on a PC linked up to two speakers and took over as DJs. About eight or nine foreigners were guests, and we tried to join in as best we could, but none of us were as good as Danny. From a Latino family, he had rhythm! Although one of Meryem’s sisters admitted: “Danny tried to teach us Latin dancing but we couldn’t manage it. He picked up the halay from us real quick.”
We left the party wishing the two of them the very best of happiness. The next step for them is to continue the marathon process of obtaining a visa for Meryem to go to the States as his fiancé.
Then they will be able to complete the next stage in the process: evli -- married.
Just as Danny brought a touch of Latin rhythm to an İstanbul neighborhood, I wonder which Turkish touches Meryem will take to a US wedding.
May they have a long and happy life together, enjoying their two cultures, and making them one.
Note: Keep your questions and observations coming: I want to ensure this column is a help to you, Today’s Zaman’s readers. Email: c.mcpherson@todayszaman.com
