Friendship -- the bond that cares

Turks are very open, friendly and welcoming. It is very easy to make friends here. Sometimes, though, foreigners can lose friends easily since we unknowingly commit a faux pas or offend the other party.

Junie writes: “Dear Charlotte, I thought I had a great Turkish friend. During the spring we would go everywhere together, and she would always insist on paying the check and would never let me. I really felt like I was part of her family, as we would visit her mom and dad and older sister together. When my Dutch neighbor returned to Turkey in May I thought I could introduce them to each other and we could do things as a threesome. It just hasn’t happened, and now I don’t see my Turkish friend much at all.”

Turkish society is very group oriented. Group allegiance is paramount, and a Turk will be faithful to the group on which they depend for their identity and support structure. An idiom to affirm this is “in the end you know who your family is.”

The social unit that most strongly requires a person’s loyalty is the family. It is the fundamental structure of life. It gives many benefits but requires certain obligations. A Turkish proverb reads, “A sheep separated from flock is eaten by wolves.” The family expects deep loyalty in all aspects of life, social and otherwise. The family will naturally help each other in difficult circumstances.

Friends are also important. Friendship may involve great commitment and mutual concern. Friendship requires much time. To establish a true friendship takes effort. It is important to visit regularly and to help in time of need. Friends never betray one another. Friendships are formed for many reasons, one of them being expectation of mutual help. If a favor is done for someone, that person and usually his family will be obligated to remember it. Men and women almost always form friendships with members of the same sex. If a man and woman do have a friendship, they would refer to each other with kinship terms. For example, a woman would consider her husband’s friend to be like her “kardeş” (brother) and not her “dost” (friend), which conveys an improperly familiar relationship. Close friendships are generally between people of the same sex who are a similar age and status.

Talking and being with people are more important than achieving a long list of tasks. Turks are more people-oriented rather than task-oriented.

Dear Junie: I don’t think your Turkish friend was your friend in order to get something out of you. She genuinely seems to have opened her heart and her life to you. Maybe she has drawn back a bit as she thinks you have no need for her now your foreign friend has returned. She was probably looking for some reciprocity in her terms. As Europeans and Americans we often think of reciprocity as sharing the check, or taking our friend out for a treat next time. She didn’t let you do this, as she saw you as a guest in her country. But perhaps she would have expected some other form of sharing from you, like coming round to your house for a meal and coffee. Or maybe you had some other skill or talent that could help her, perhaps giving her a gift of a handcraft item you had made. I always find the hardest thing is to integrate two sets of my friends together. It is a good idea to try to spend the same amount of time with each of your friends, and if going somewhere fun or nice, always try to include the others in the invitation.

I would guess that your friend misses seeing you. I suggest you make the first move, now, without making a big deal about why you got a little bit separated. Call her up, say you miss her and her folks, and suggest you go to visit her mom and dad together. Take a little present for her and for her parents. From now on encourage her to feel free to casually drop in at your place, and either try to include her in outings with your neighbor or make sure you take it in turns to go out with each of them.