Unlike much of the West Turkey is a culture where “old-fashioned” manners are still practiced. Younger people will offer their seat to an older person. A more educated person or elderly person should not be contradicted in front of others. We have all heard certain titles used as signs of respect. A person in their 20s or 30s will be addressed by children and youth by and adding the title abla (older sister) or ağabey (big brother) after their name. Shop vendors and taxi drivers may also call you just abla or ağabey as a sign of respect. If you are older you will be referred to as teyze (aunt) or amca (uncle). Don’t forget, in Turkish culture it is rude to call a new acquaintance who you have just met by his or her first name. The polite form to use depending on the situation is either to put teyze/amca or bey/hanım (sir or madam) after the person’s first name, e.g. Ayşe Teyze, Ahmet Bey. For a foreigner Turks will often use bay/bayan (Mr./Mrs.) before your name, e.g. Bayan Charlotte. Often if you are an instructor, educationalist or teacher you will be called by your first name and then hoca (teacher). If you are an expert in a particular field you may be called by your first name and then usta (expert).
Honor is important. Turkish society is strongly hierarchical. Individuals are ranked according to status. Age is of great importance in determining status; special respect is given to older people. In absolute terms this can mean any individual past middle age. On the other hand relative age is clear in a family system. Significantly older could also be determined by the age difference between one’s own age and that of one’s parent. It is true in Turkey that determining relative status by age also depends on the older person’s perception of himself. For example, a visitor in his 20s with all honorable intention addressing a person in his 40s as “uncle” when that man may prefer to be called “brother” can prompt some teasing from his friends.
The general rule is until you as a foreigner know just how a person prefers to be treated in regard to age, you should show more honor than less. It is better to err on the conservative side, as this causes less offense.
Showing respect is vital. Other people who are normally honored are those with power based on individual reputation, family, fame, wealth and political or religious leadership. Also people in positions of authority will be honored by those under their authority. For example an employer is treated deferentially by an employee. A teacher is honored by a student.
It is important to know how and when to honor others. A visitor, particularly from a Western background, can easily overlook or ignore the standard ways of affirming status. This may cause humiliation for the person of special status. A visitor who overlooks the deferential or special behavior to show respect and honor will be seen as being rude. For example you should stand up when an important guest is shown into the room. If you have the most comfortable seat, then move to a different chair and offer the best place to them.
Of course it may be that you are the honored guest. In this case, you shouldn’t say, “No, no, I am fine just squatting on the cushions here.” Accept the gestures offered to you, as this is the Turks’ way of making you feel special and honored.
Many Turks tend to smoke a lot. But have you noticed that Turks will not smoke in front of someone who is older or who does not smoke as a sign of respect? Do not be surprised if they leave the room for a few minutes to smoke a cigarette. If you smoke, take your clues from your Turkish friends and refrain if they are.
Another area of honor is related to the family. The family’s good name depends much on the honor and modesty of the women and their virtuous behavior and/or the family’s economic status. This may be why, as a foreign bride, you feel that your freedom to act as an individual outside of the family home is curtailed. What you do and say will reflect on the whole of your new family. Loss of face can be detrimental to relatives.
If this seems a little bit old fashioned to you, just remember the wisdom in these quotes:
John Gardner said, “If you have some respect for people as they are, you can be more effective in helping them to become better than they are.”
John Wooden agrees, “Respect a man, and he will do all the more.”
Note: Keep your questions and observations coming: I want to ensure this column is a help to you, Today’s Zaman’s readers. Email: c.mcpherson@todayszaman.com
