Maybe you have been given similar advice at some time to let that something or someone who upset you not get to you, and whatever you do, don’t hold a grudge.
It is a normal feeling to feel like letting off a little steam sometimes, but then of course, there are those who feel like getting angry and maybe even getting revenge. A wise Chinese proverb says: “The fire you kindle for your enemy often burns yourself more than him.”
I receive a number of letters from Western and Asian women who have met a Turkish man and have become emotionally involved. Sadly, on a number of occasions the foreigner after having tied the knot has realized too late she made a mistake. In time the relationship has revealed that the man was interested in a foreign passport or a bank account and credit cards. Please understand this is not always the case, but the letters that I receive tend to describe the worse scenario more often than not.
Here is a letter I received from one woman not too long ago telling me about her involvement with an angry man. This situation is slightly different from the usual. She is a Turk who had been raised in Germany and came back to live in Turkey. After returning to Turkey, she married a Turk.
The woman requests to remain anonymous and writes:
“Dear Charlotte: When I was 20 I returned to Turkey and within the first year I was here I married a Turkish man I had met. We have two sons. We were married for 10 years and then divorced. We only lived together for about four years. I did not realize until after having been married for about three years or so that I had made a grave mistake. Though we were both Turks we were as different as night and day. Also he wanted to go to Germany and live there and permission was not granted. When he realized this could not happen he started acting badly towards me and would easily become angry. He started dating other woman even though by this time we had two sons. The situation was different for me because I was a Turk. I could have returned to Germany but I did not want to leave my sons though they had been taken from me illegally. He took our two boys from me when they were ages 4 and 6 and I did not see them again for many years. Only in the past year have I seen them and they are young men now. I realized that I did not consider just how different my ex-husband and I were when we first met. Even though my parents are Turkish, I had been raised in German schools and in German culture. My husband had never traveled outside of Turkey and had been born and raised in Turkey, We were both Turks but very different. Looking back on things I realized that I did not understand how to resolve our conflict and the different cultural styles of trying to handle it. I have managed to rebuild my life and provide for myself and hold a good job in real estate since I speak three languages well. But I have never remarried and do not intend to do so.”
Dear Anonymous: Thank you for sharing this information and making the points you have. It was very insightful, particularly the point about handling mediation across cultures and dealing with the idea of face saving.
Anger can be displayed in a variety of ways and at different levels. Regularly you see grown men jumping out of their cars ready to wrestle with another driver or shouting obscenities at his car for running out of gas, or the engine stalling. I have noticed that Turks do tend to shift the blame when something goes wrong. Usually the blame is shifted to an inanimate object or another person. Revenge is another area to be aware of. For example, you have a flat tire because someone thought you should not have parked where you did so they slashed the tire or let the air out of it. Another attempt at revenge when you have made someone angry is when you go to unlock your front door of your home or office, someone has put glue in the keyhole so your keys won’t work or manure has been spread over your front window or in the elevator. Really, in the end, the one who feels angry and revengeful will ultimately hurt himself the most.
“The ability to use face-honoring, face-compensating or face-neutral strategies in threatened relationships is a mark of interpersonal competence.” -- David W. Augsberger
Note: Charlotte McPherson is the author of “Culture Smart: Turkey, 2005.” Please keep your questions and observations coming: I want to ensure this column is a help to you, Today’s Zaman’s readers. Email: c.mcpherson@todayszaman.com
