While doing my own business in one of the utility offices, I watched customer representatives getting frustrated with customers and employees upset with other employees. Then driving home I watched two drivers get upset with each other because neither thought he was in the wrong, so a shouting match broke out, and then all the drivers in the cars behind these two people shouting at each other began blowing their horns.
In my piece “Anger punishes itself” (Feb. 10, 2012), I received some letters from Today’s Zaman readers who shared their own struggle with anger, and some readers shared their surprise at what causes other people -- who are of a different nationality -- to get angry.
I have been reading “Conflict Mediation Across Cultures” by David W. Augsburger, who asks in his book whether anger is a learned, conditioned and contextualized experience or not. I want to share from his book some proverbs from various cultures which, as he points out, seem at first glance universally applicable, but deeper analysis reveals local and situational complexities of the anger experience.
“Anger beats the shoulders with its own rod until they bleed; love tints the face with its own rouge.” (Finland) “When the pot boils over, it cools itself.” (Germany) “A live coal burns the one who stirs it up.” (Bantu tribe) “Anger expressed dissipates, anger contained grows.” (California) “It is better to spend the night in anger than in regret over having taken revenge.” (Tamashek tribe) “If a cock ruffles his feathers, it is easy to pluck him.” (Burma) “The more intimate the friendship, the more deadly the enmity.” (Yoruba tribe) “A broken thread can be tied, a broken chalk is forever.” (Malay Peninsula)
I’d like to share a few of my favorite quotes on anger:
“If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.” (Chinese proverb)
A soft answer turns away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger. (Proverbs 15:1) “Close both eyes to see with the other eye.” (Mevlana) “Most people guard against going into the fire, and so end up in it.” (Mevlana)
When we live in another country, we often find ourselves getting angry and blaming the host country. Most of us who have lived abroad have felt angry when we believed we were short-changed or when the traffic is bad because nobody follows the rules or when efficiency is lacking in the office, etc. You may even think that people in your host country just try to make life harder for foreigners.
I was raised with Western values and taught as a child how to control my anger and expression of it. However, a stage of culture shock is anger. When you live in another culture, you may find yourself getting irritated in certain circumstances because you believe you have been taken advantage of or wronged. This is normal. In his work “The Explanation of Social Behavior,” R. Harre lists three points on what causes us to be irritated:
You have the right to become angry at intentional wrongdoing -- any injury to your honor, freedom, property, etc.
You have the right to become angry at unintentional misdeeds -- negligence, carelessness, oversight or irresponsibility.
You are foolish to become angry at events beyond your influence or control or to be angry when the situation could be remedied by some rational choice.
Although there are some universal traits in the expression of anger, every culture has its own take on how to express anger and handle it. The secret is learning how it is used and expressed in the host country so that it is effective. Expressed in the wrong manner or inappropriately does more harm than good.
Let me share this Nasreddin Hoca story for some insight on how he dealt with a struggle:
“Blanket is gone”
At midnight the hoca heard a noise. Two men were struggling outside. The hoca got out of his bed with a blanket over him and went to the front of his house. He asked them why they were fighting. Without answering, one of them took the blanket that covered the hoca and they both fled. So the poor hoca returned to his bed again.
“What were they fighting about?” asked his wife. “About our blanket,” said the hoca. “Now the blanket is gone, so the struggle is over.”
You can read more of his stories at http://www.business-with-turkey.com/hoca/hoca1.htm
I think one thing we can all agree on is that more often than not, anger may identify a problem, but it will never solve one.
Note: Charlotte McPherson is the author of “Culture Smart: Turkey, 2005.” Please keep your questions and observations coming: I want to ensure this column is a help to you, Today’s Zaman’s readers. Email: c.mcpherson@todayszaman.com
