Foreigners who are marrying Turks wonder just what the procedure is for a traditional couple who plan to marry.Marriage generally involves the family and its approval to some degree. Arranged marriages still take place in villages, towns and cities in Anatolia, where people are more traditional. Arranged marriages can also still occur among the very wealthy, where there may be an alliance of interests. Among more conservative people, family members have a say in the choice of partner. Often the groom will be considerably older than the bride because he has completed his military service and has had to work to earn some money before considering marriage.
Marrying for love is becoming common among young middle-class urban Turks, and they sometimes do so without parental consent.
The bride and her family prepare a çeyiz (dowry), which includes clothing and household goods. This is kept for the daughter until a marriage date has been set. When a couple decides to get married, here are certain steps that are taken: sözlü, nişanlı and evli.
Sözlü is a pre-engagement arrangement. This officially sanctions the couple seeing each other and spending time together, although not alone. It is a serious commitment, and it is considered a grave breach of honor to break it.
Nişanlı means “engaged.” The process of becoming engaged involves all members of both families. The hopeful bridegroom’s family goes to the woman’s family to ask for her hand in marriage. This is a formal visit; they will be wearing their best clothes and will be given the best refreshments.
Let me share a Turkish tradition that is unheard of being practiced among Westerners and is of great interest: In order for the man not to lose face, his prospective bride answers his proposal in a subtle way. She makes coffee, and if she wishes to accept the proposal (or is instructed to do so by her mother), she puts sugar in his cup. If she rejects it, she puts salt in the cup.
A party is given to celebrate the engagement, overseen by the family elder. This involves two rings and a ribbon. In a ceremony, two rings tied to the ends of a ribbon are presented to the groom and bride-to-be: Each puts a ring on his or her finger, and the elder cuts the ribbon.
Evli means “married.” The first part of the marriage celebration is the kına gecesi (henna party). If you want to learn more about this special night, read my two-part column: “Hen night, henna night: Don’t get confused,” published on April 12 and 14. In short, this is a party given by the bride’s close friends and can last all night!
A Turkish wedding is very different from a traditional one back in America. The official wedding ceremony is a civil ceremony. The couple obtains a license to marry from the local authority, and an official conducts the ceremony, which is relatively short.
In fact if you are on your way to a wedding and get stuck in traffic and did not pad your time to be late, you will miss the wedding! The civil wedding is less than 10 minutes. It is sort of like a conveyor belt, couples go in and come out -- continuously. It’d be even quicker if there were a revolving door!
Wealthy families prefer to pay more and have the official perform the ceremony at home or in a hotel.
A religious wedding is possible, but it is a criminal offense to conduct it before the civil ceremony. It is also an offense to have more than one wife.
During the ceremony, right from the moment the bride and groom come in, there is much applause. Some of you would not be familiar with the idea of applause. People applaud when “yes” is said and upon the announcement that the couple is married.
One of the parts that I enjoy is when the bride and groom try to step on each other’s feet. It is believed that this will show who will rule the house during the marriage!
More on the subject next time.
Plan so you can live your dream.
Note: Charlotte McPherson is the author of “Culture Smart: Turkey, 2005.” Please keep your questions and observations coming: I want to ensure this column is a help to you, Today’s Zaman’s readers. Email: c.mcpherson@todayszaman.com
