In Turkey, the best thing to do when confronted with trouble is to have a Turk help you if you do not speak Turkish (and often even if you do!) This can be a real pride thing for some of us Westerners as back home we fixed everything ourselves.What do we mean by “when things go wrong”? Answer: When people become visibly upset. This can happen at the most unexpected times and under the most surprising circumstances.
Once, while I was staying in a hotel, I noticed a couple at the reception desk who seemed very irate. Evidently they had had the hotel receptionist send a fax to their office in the US. They expected a reply to come. After some time, it became clear that the fax had not gone through as they received no reply. In trying to discover what happened, where the slip-up had occurred, their only point of contact was with the person standing in front of them.
This is not an unusual scene when you are traveling abroad. For some odd reason, it seems tourists expect things to be like home. But they are not.
My brother Jamie has only made one trip abroad in his life and that was to Vietnam in the ’70s. He has not traveled since. He says that he likes home and over there it isn’t like home. He is one of those people who can’t for the life of them understand why anyone would want to live abroad.
When things go wrong, the opportunities for misunderstanding are high. I am very mindful of all the foreign visitors I have seen and heard raising their voices and pounding on desks in Turkey. I was even guilty of it in my early days. But if you are smart, you quickly learn that this will rarely bring about positive results.
What do I recommend? As I said earlier -- find an understanding Turk with whom you can communicate, approach the person with whom you have a conflict with caution and respect in a low-key manner and let the Turk do most or all of the talking for you.
The one thing you do not want to do in this shame-based culture is to offend the person, even if he is in the wrong. You do not want the person you are addressing to think that you think he is in the wrong. If they think you are accusing them, then they will completely shut down. Their minds will be closed to your protests.
It is hard for Westerners to understand that to fix blame is a waste of time. Americans almost invariably do this naturally as part of our confrontational, litigious style.
Forget about blame!
In Turkish culture, the best thing to do is try to repair the damage. This may not be easy in some cases. It all depends on how seriously the person has been offended.
Try to make people feel good again and try to establish harmony.
If you can say you are sorry even though you may not be the one who should be saying it, progress will be made.
It is important to learn to read body language and the signals given by the other person, too. The signs may indicate reluctance, distress or anger. A few indications of reluctance and distress, when requests are not acted upon, are when the person replies, “I will do my best,” or when he looks doubtful, doesn’t promise and says “tamam” or “peki” (OK).
Anger can be felt in a more passive form but not expressed. Turks and other nationalities, such as the Japanese, try to hide it, or shall we say, contain it. The good thing is once you break through the barrier, things get better.“When things go wrong, you’ll find they usually go on getting worse for some time; but when things once start going right they often go on getting better and better.” C.S. Lewis
Note: Charlotte McPherson is the author of “Culture Smart: Turkey, 2005.” Please keep your questions and observations coming: I want to ensure this column is a help to you, Today’s Zaman’s readers. Email: c.mcpherson@todayszaman.com
