Many American couples get married with the bare necessities for furnishings, etc., and do not think too much of it as they are in love and that is all that matters. However, this is not necessarily true in Middle Eastern culture: If a newly married couple in the Middle East will be moving to a new household, rather than living under the same roof with the in-laws, buying furnishings becomes a major issue as the two families negotiate who will provide what.Most couples in the Middle East, including Turkey, expect to start out with a well-furnished apartment comparable to their social class.
A point that many Westerners miss about Turkish culture is that what you start married life with is in essence what you are -- it reflects your social standing.
This is totally opposite to American culture, in general, where you start out together and work hard to climb the ladder of success!
Some of my British and American friends who married Turkish men have admitted that this eventually became a sore point for the couple, as they had different ideas on the matter. Often the problem may not occur between the couple themselves, but the Turkish relatives have found the idea of marrying and not having the basics in place unacceptable.
Marriage contracts are not so common in Turkey anymore, but they still exist in many places in the Middle East. A contract will be signed between the two families to agree on who pays for what.
This concept of starting a marriage with a contract as such is hard for Westerners to understand. You rarely hear of this unless both of the individuals getting married are from wealthy families or independently wealthy.
For better or worse, Turkey is on a sharp curve of transition. We forget that it was common in the Middle East for centuries that marriage was seen not so much as the fulfillment of romantic dreams, but as a contract to start a new life.
Dear Charlotte: I met my Turkish husband in West Virginia (US) and we fell in love. After he finished his university studies in America, we married. I never thought any differently about what it means to be a young couple just starting out life together until we moved to Turkey. My husband’s parents are very kind but they are traditional and more religious in their lifestyle. Sometimes I find it hard to understand how they think. I also find it hard when my husband does not stand up to them on issues that he feels differently about than them. Can you give me some insight? From: Anon (İstanbul)
Dear Anon,
Probably the first thing you need to do, since his parents are more conservative and religious, is to learn a bit about Islam and be respectful of it, even though you may not embrace it. In some countries you do not have a choice once you marry one of their citizens, but in Turkey you do. You probably have found your initial time in Turkey a time of adjustment. Many Westerners who visit Turkey think it is quite modern, but they do not have a grasp on how many Turks think. It is often different from how they do. Ways of doing things here are not necessarily wrong; they usually are just different.
Another point that the new wife often discovers is that she finds that the person she married in her home country seems different from the person who has returned to his homeland.
Perhaps back in your country where he was a visitor he seemed open-minded. What a foreign wife often finds is that when her Turkish husband returns home, generally speaking, the Turkish man has to respect his own culture, the rules and laws, making it seem that he has changed. I know that my friends who are happily married to Turks would advise any Westerner thinking of marrying a Turk to think very seriously. Give it some thought, not just heart! All the best to you!
“Your family, though they chew you up, will never spit you out.” -- Arab proverb
Note: Charlotte McPherson is the author of “Culture Smart: Turkey, 2005.” Please keep your questions and observations coming: I want to ensure this column is a help to you, Today’s Zaman’s readers. Email: c.mcpherson@todayszaman.com
