Out with the old, in with the new

A case in point is holding grudges. This is something that I often find myself struggling with, as I try to let go of past hurts or insults. No matter how hard I try, I am not always successful with moving on and giving someone another chance. Once someone has lost my trust, it is often hard for me to accept that they may have changed and can be trusted again. However, to my son, the past is the past, and it does not always figure into the present.

In the first and second grade, he had encountered many difficulties with one of his classmates, Efe, who exhibited many behavioral and emotional problems. After complaints to the director of the school by all of his classmates’ parents, the school finally convinced Efe’s parents to seek professional help. Fortunately, the continued weekly visits to a psychologist have helped Efe deal with his problems. The teacher has reported that his behavior has changed remarkably. The students, too, have noticed the change in him.

Even though Efe and Ali Adem had problems in the past, Ali Adem is ready to accept this new side of the boy who just a few months before was the classroom terror. Knowing that I personally do not like Efe and his past behavior, at first Ali Adem was reluctant to let me know that the two of them are now friends. When I asked him about the change in their relationship, he simply said that Efe had changed and that he is no longer mean to his classmates as he once was.

I was curious to find out if Efe had ever apologized to any of his classmates for his past behavior, in particular the students that he had physically hurt during the past two years. Ali Adem says that Efe has never mentioned his past actions to any of the children. It seems that he prefers to simply ignore the problems he created previously.

When someone has done something wrong, I expect that person to explain their actions and apologize if they wish to make amends and move on. I have discovered though that in Turkey this is not always the case. Perhaps it is a difference between the cultures. From my personal experience, in the United States we tend to be more direct and discuss problems more openly than in Turkey. For instance, if there is a problem between two people, and both parties wish to resolve the issue, they will sit down and talk about the problem. This includes disclosing how they felt about the problem and why they felt that way. Apologies are made if necessary, without anyone feeling as if they have lost face.

I have noticed that in Turkey, it does not seem as acceptable to talk out problems between individuals. Of course, this observation is only based on my own interactions with others, so there are many cultural norms that I am completely unaware of. To me, it seems as if it is more usual to simply ignore past actions instead of talking about them and the reasons behind them.

Ali Adem has adopted some of this approach when dealing with the past problems with Efe. When I asked if he wanted Efe to explain to him why he had acted for badly towards him in the past, including physically hurting him, Ali Adem shrugged his shoulders and said no. He feels that Efe may be embarrassed about how he acted during the past two years. Ali Adem thinks that bringing up the past and expecting Efe to accept responsibility for his actions and apologize to those he hurt would cause Efe to lose face in front of his classmates.

Perhaps my son has a point. He is willing to move beyond Efe’s past and start over as friends. However, I am still suspicious of Efe and his real motives. At our home, we try to talk about our feelings. When we have hurt each other’s feelings, we sit down, talk about it and apologize. I try to keep the lines of communication open between us, and I feel that by openly discussing problems, we can better understand the other person’s point of view. Sometimes Ali Adem rolls his eyes and says, “Mom, it’s in the past, let it go!” He has a good point. Sometimes the past is best left behind.