If you spend time in more provincial places, you will find that tradition is strong. It is not always blatantly obvious. This is why Western foreigners who reside here often experience more culture shock than they initially think they will. First impressions can be misleading. From the balcony where I sat on the ninth floor in a small provincial town, I listened to two types of music clash from across the way. One style was popular rock and the other arabesk.
Our balcony provided me with a bird's-eye view of two separate street celebrations among some apartment blocks on the side streets as well as a beautiful view of the moon reflecting off the Marmara Sea. I sat and observed from a distance two wedding parties.
I couldn't help but wonder to myself if any arranging of the pairs had occurred, or was it all by choice with the parents' blessings?
The previous weekend, I had gone out to eat with some friends and had been taken to one of the nicer restaurants in the small town where a wealthier family had booked the entire restaurant for their wedding celebrations. I sat within a few meters of a large wedding party. We were not allowed inside, so being foreigners and thinking it was not too cold to still sit outside, we opted for having our meal on the terrace, rather than going elsewhere.
Now I was observing wedding celebrations where the streets were roped off and had rows of undecorated plastic chairs and a place for dancing and a few local musicians who were there to entertain.
Zeynep shared with me how when she finished college at 23, she had hopes of taking employment somewhere, but her parents made her give up the idea and return to her memleket (hometown) to first focus on finding a spouse. Her parents did not realize that a female with a university degree may not fit back into that setting.
Depending on the family background, it varies whether two people can marry because they have fallen in love and want to or if the family wants to help their children find the right mate. Sometimes it is a combination of the two.
In provincial settings or among families who are more strict Muslims, it is more common for the family to help arrange for their child to meet some suitable individuals who would meet with their approval. Issues such as family status, class and personal connections are taken into consideration. Matters of the heart are not a priority.
For young Turkish people who have gone to a larger city to study at university or have had the chance to go abroad to study, the issue of finding a marriage partner is a delicate one.
Zeynep said that after a couple of years, her parents were getting quite frustrated. One reason was that their daughter politely but flatly refused even considering a couple of their suggestions. The other problem was that some of the local young men her parents approached about the possibility of marrying their daughter said they were not interested because she had gone to college.
A girl who goes to college and has a university degree is thought to be too independent and bossy.
“Lorna Doone” by Richard Doddridge Blackmore is one of my favorites. You can spot similar parallels of social sensitivity. The story of Lorna Doone is told by the young yeoman John Ridd, who is handsome, kind and brave. However, the Doone clan was strong. “There was not one among them but was a mighty man, straight and tall, and wide, and fit to lift four hundredweight,” says Ridd.
Back then education was not important.
“Lorna Doone” is a love story. John Ridd lost his father at a very early age by the hand of the Doones and would no doubt have grown up their determined enemy. But all this changed for love. It was love at first sight. Lorna is supposed to be the granddaughter of old Sir Ensor and is to be the queen of the Doone's wild community, which she hates. Lorna was a little lady who was a very precocious child and is rather modern in her ways when she grows up.
Love -- it's not always just a heart matter.
Note: Charlotte McPherson is the author of “Culture Smart: Turkey, 2005.” Please keep your questions and observations coming: I want to ensure this column is a help to you, Today’s Zaman’s readers. Email: c.mcpherson@todayszaman.com
