Patterns of interaction within a Muslim household vary some, but generally not by much. For example, I was shocked when I began to learn Turkish and learned that there were two names for every relative: Was it the father's brother or the mother's brother, etc.? We don't have this distinction in English.In some urban neighborhoods that are known to be more conservative and in conservative rural areas, relationships are influenced by age, sex and genealogy.
Depending on how strictly the family adheres to Islam, a degree of separation exists between males and females. Even within urban areas, depending on social status and religious belief, you will find this true. Generally, an Islamic society is basically class and status-focused. One's social background and family are important. For foreigners, these characteristics have major implications for us as outsiders on the social scale. Traveling around Turkey can be a real eye-opener. Foreign women are not often understood.
You'll understand this as you observe varying degrees of separation of males and females and how they carry out different tasks, spend their leisure time separately or together and even have different outlooks on life. Turkish women are usually freer than women in other Muslim countries. They tend not to be totally secluded, as they can be in Arab countries or some Muslim Asian countries.
One of the things Western women probably find most difficult when they first arrive in Turkey with their Turkish boyfriend or husband is the lack of what they perceive as the freedom to go out alone and to dress how they choose. Don't be surprised if a young male child is sent with you to the grocery store -- it's for your protection!
I've had more than one friend from America tell me that they are always surprised how their husband changes when they return to Turkey. A friend of mine who has just come back to Turkey with her husband for a visit reminded me of this when she shared with me how in America she goes out on her own and her husband thinks nothing of it, but as soon as they arrive in Turkey, he believes it is his responsibility to be sure to she gets to where she is going with his assistance. The husbands seem to be uncomfortable at the thought of their wives going out on their own.
When visiting villages in Turkey, I noticed that women had a lot of freedom within a certain sphere. You will see women go about freely in their herding, field work and household chores and even go to the market unaccompanied, but when male guests arrived, the women would curtail some of their movements outside or around the house. There became unspoken but generally understood boundaries.
I am convinced the best status in Turkey belongs to elderly women. It is sort of the same in the West: You can get away with anything. Nearly every student studying the English language has heard Jenny Joseph's poem, “Warning,” which starts: “When I am an old woman, I shall wear purple…”
In Turkey, when there are no guests, older women have much idle time to do as they please. They can even move easily between the men's and women's world. They participate in the conversation more easily, too,
Maybe you have noticed that in more conservative settings, women spend less time with men. Greetings are important. You can see how relationships influence interactions through the ritual way of greeting different kinds of people. Male visitors greet other males first, one by one, the older first and then the younger. After all the men have been greeted, the women are greeted. Age and marital status influence the order of greetings.
What is so surprising is that you can sense a strong feeling of unity despite the separation between the sexes.
As a foreign female, for your Turkish husband's sake, even though you may struggle with the class and status emphasis, you may find life easier if you just respect their values. Just hang in there!
As the poem says, when you are old, you can do as you please -- with age comes privilege.
Note: Charlotte McPherson is the author of “Culture Smart: Turkey, 2005.” Please keep your questions and observations coming: I want to ensure this column is a help to you, Today’s Zaman’s readers. Email: c.mcpherson@todayszaman.com
