“Unfortunately, his father is in control of his life because he has paid for everything for him. Even though he is now 30, he is not able to make his own decisions. I have just learned that we have been dating secretly and that he had never told his parents about me because he was afraid it would upset them. You see, I am a foreigner.“I feel I wasted my life on him and that there are no chances of us getting married if he can't stand up to his parents. What do you think?” Distraught (Washington, D.C.)
Dear Distraught: You are caught between a rock and a hard place. You have a tough situation to face. If you both decide to try to win his father over to your side, it may take time. Turkish parents are often afraid that their child will not return to live in Turkey and that they will then not get to be around their grandchildren much. It is not always the case that they are against their son marrying a foreigner. But if that is the case, face up to reality and make the break. When a family invests much in a child, it is not easy for the child to stand up to his or her parents as they do not want to cause offense. Though it is painful, it is good for you that this little secret has finally come out. You are in a position where you have to choose between unpleasant alternatives, and your choice may cause you problems or heartbreak. As the idiom implies, you may not be able to satisfy everyone.
“Dear Charlotte: I met my husband in Canada. We married before coming to Turkey. After he returned, he had to do his military service. I did not realize that I would be living with his parents while he did his military service. His family is fasting. I am not a Muslim, but I respect their religious preference and practices. However, the father is trying to make me keep the fast and participate in special religious gathering and cover myself. … I am really not comfortable with this. It seems I will only be accepted if I conform while I am under their roof. I found my living situation very unpleasant and really want to return to my home country until my husband has finished his military duty. My husband will not confront his parents. I am really unhappy and want to go home or get my own place here.” From: Sharon (İstanbul)
Dear Sharon: It sounds to me like your husband loves you! Your husband most likely knew this could happen and did not want to run the risk of losing you. He probably has high hopes that you can stick it out for the six months and then you two can be together again.
One of the main problems a Western female often faces when marrying a male Turk is that she thinks he should be a stand-up guy and attempt to tell it like it is to his parents. This is a very Western, or even more so, very American mentality. More often than not, many young Turkish adults have received financial help and assistance from their parents, even through their years of university, especially if they have gone abroad. They will probably receive even more until they have secured a job and set up their home with their spouse.
Whereas Westerners tend to consider a person in their 20s, whether single or not, as able to stand on their own two feet, in general, in Turkey, until you have gotten married, you are not. Young Western adults usually have a job before age 20 while continuing to study. This is not as common in Turkey. It is true that some Western young adults remain at home under their parents' roof even in their 20s, but it is not very common. In any case, when a young adult continues to live under the same roof as the parents or accepting financial assistance, the young adult won't be in a position to do as he or she pleases.
Note: Charlotte McPherson is the author of “Culture Smart: Turkey, 2005.” Please keep your questions and observations coming: I want to ensure this column is a help to you, Today’s Zaman’s readers. Email: c.mcpherson@todayszaman.com
