This week it was Efe's turn to have his birthday party in the classroom. When Ali Adem brought home the notice of the upcoming birthday, I opted to let him decide for himself whether or not he wanted to give Efe a present. We talked about it, pointing out the reasons that he may want to give him a present and why he might not feel so inclined. I told Ali Adem that this would be his decision and that whatever he decided would be fine with me. The night before Efe's birthday, Ali Adem went to bed still undecided. I told him to let me know in the morning if we needed to look in our gift box for something to wrap up and take to school.
The next morning over breakfast, I asked what decision he had made. Pausing between bites, he said, "I want to take a present for Efe." Nodding, I got up and pulled down our box of presents that I keep on hand and together we chose a book and small toy to wrap up and put in his backpack. On our morning walk to school, I asked why he had decided to give a present to someone who had made a point to not give him one just a couple of weeks before.
"Well, I thought about it," Ali Adem said, "and I remembered how I felt when Efe told me he would never give me a gift. It hurt my feelings. I decided that I did not want him to feel like that. It is his birthday, and even though he said he will never give me a present, I think I should give him one. It feels like the right thing to do. I would not feel good inside if I did not give him at least a little something for his birthday."
As we walked down the road hand-in-hand, I told my son that I was very proud of him and his decision. I knew that this was something he had thought about and carefully weighed out in his mind. I had not wanted to influence his final decision. Rather, I had hoped that he would think about this other boy's feelings ahead of any desire to exact revenge or get even for the previous lack of a gift. Whatever he decided, I would have respected his wishes without trying to change his mind.
I doubt if Efe will realize that Ali Adem struggled long and hard to make the right choice. He will probably only keep track of how many gifts he received and from whom. However, Ali Adem and I know that he took this situation as an opportunity to stop and think about how another person might feel because of his actions. Remembering how his feelings were hurt just a short time before, he did not want to cause the same pain to the responsible child.
I hope that my son will continue to be able to make the right decision when faced with hard choices. It can be difficult for a small child to think about others before themselves, but I think it is important that as parents we set a good example. Our children will mirror our own actions and words, so we have to constantly be on the alert, knowing that our children are learning by watching us. I do not know if there was anything I have said or done that influenced Ali Adem's decision, but I hope that by observing how I try to treat other people, he will learn to have respect for everyone.
Being a parent is not an easy job. For me, though, the greatest payback for this job is when I see my son growing into a caring, loving, respectful person. His decision about the gift makes me very proud of him and his actions. I remind him constantly of his good points and reinforce the fact that he is loved unconditionally. He knows that he opted for doing the right thing, and he is happy with that. It was a hard choice for him, and I am relieved that in the end he knew what should be done and has the strength of character to follow through.
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