Several were positive, adding their hopes for the future. A few, however, were a bit more pessimistic. One, in particular, caused me to pause and think about how many people hold onto past events and grudges and how that affects their lives as well as the lives of their children.
Beginning with events from A.D. 1100 onwards, this reader put forth that he, and his people, were victims of all these past events. Now, I do not want to get into political or ideological arguments based on conflicts from long ago. What his e-mail reminded me of was how parents pass on their own fears, prejudices and hatreds to their children, along with their hopes and aspirations.
In my life, I have had the chance to meet many different types of people -- those who hold onto past events for far too long and who have trouble looking to the future, and those who are willing to let go and move forward. I do not know of a single country anywhere in the world that does not have some dark spots in its past. But, what we each can do is try to move our countries beyond those parts of history, and to learn from past mistakes. If we continually look backwards and nurse injuries, how can we ever see a better future for ourselves and our children?
Several years ago, a friend arrived from Armenia on her first trip to Turkey. Prior to landing in İstanbul, she had much trepidation about coming here. Afraid that she would be harassed, or worse, for her ethnic background, she was pleasantly surprised to discover that Turks, in general, were a welcoming, warm people. It was the constant rehashing of old conflicts and fears that she had grown up hearing that caused her to be fearful of all things Turkish. Now, after taking the risk and traveling here, she has a different view of the country and the people.
Applying this principle on a much smaller scale, I try to teach my son that everyone deserves a second chance, and often more, to change behavior or make up for past transgressions. It is easy to hold onto pain and keep reliving unpleasant events in our minds. To let go, forgive, and move on is a much harder task, and one that many of us struggle with every day.
In his everyday interactions with classmates, he is learning that people can sometimes do and say mean things; however, if problems are addressed directly and talked about, then often the result is that misunderstandings and hard feelings can be smoothed over and friendships can be forged. It takes one person willing to overlook their own hurts, though, for this to begin. He has learned that it is often better to look at the reasons behind someone's actions before judging them. This has not been an easy lesson for him to learn, but I feel it is an important one that will serve him well in later life.
As parents, it is up to us to set the best example possible. We all know that our children will repeat the words and actions they hear and see from us. Many times, it is not until we hear our children parrot our own words that we realize what we are passing on to them. I have experienced this, and when it happens, I find that it is time to step back and take a long, hard look at my own feelings in a given situation. How often have we heard ourselves repeating things our own parents had said when we were growing up? I believe that in order to move forward with our lives, there are times when we have to examine our own emotions and prejudices, and let the past go. This does not mean we forget about past wrongs, but we can move beyond them. Forgiveness is a hard lesson to learn, but I think it is vital to a happier life.
My son has many things still to learn in his life, and it is a hard job to try and teach him to be the best person he can possibly be. Part of that process is to teach him to judge people as individuals, not as a collective group. I would never want him to judge an entire country by the actions of a few. How many friends and wonderful experiences would he miss out on by clinging to events that happened long before he was born? We should all know about the past because a country's past does, in part, form the consciousness of the people. But, we should never forget that every country is made up of individuals.
To give my son hope for a better future for the world, I want to give him the gift of forgiveness. Whether it is toward a classmate who has been hurtful, or a dark spot in history, forgiveness of what has gone before is the way to step into the future.
Send comments and questions to k.hamilton@todayszaman.com
