Ali Adem and I talk every evening about the highs and lows of his day. He knows that this is our time to discuss anything that is bothering him and even, when necessary, confess to something he has done wrong. I often already know, or suspect, when he has issues that trouble him, so it is easy for me to ask him leading questions. Fortunately, he knows that he can come to me to talk even if he has committed some infraction of a house rule or acted badly at school that day.
At our home, punishments for bad behavior or misdeeds are generally very straightforward -- the loss of a privilege for a set period of time. We have a firm rule, respected by the entire family, of no yelling or hitting. However, before punishment is meted out, we talk about the situation, including what events led up to it and how it could have been handled differently. I feel that it is important for Ali Adem to clearly understand what he did wrong and how he can handle the same, or similar, problems in the future. Now that he is older and has a good grasp of right and wrong, Ali Adem has a say in what his punishment will be. Surprisingly, he often suggests a longer period of time for being grounded or losing television viewing time than I have in mind when we discuss the problem. Once an appropriate punishment is decided upon, I reassure Ali Adem that it is his actions that I am displeased with, and not him. He has learned from an early age that we will always love each other, even if we do not always love the way one of us behaves or the actions we take.
I think that in part due to the way we handle punishment at home, he is more ready to admit when he has made mistakes or done something he knows is wrong. His teacher has mentioned to me that she knows if he tells her about a problem between his classmates at school, he will explain all the details of the situation, including any part that he played in it. This, she has told me, is a little unusual as most of the children will plead innocence and try to lay the blame on others.
One of Ali Adem’s classmates seems to constantly be causing trouble at school and ends up making weekly, and often daily, trips to the office of the school director, who then phones his mother to speak about the problems. However, when his mother comes to pick him up at the end of the school day, I hear him deny any wrongdoing. I have even heard this young boy telling his mother that he had not been sent to the director’s office at all that day, even though his mother knew the truth. I was surprised at first to see this blatant lying. Over time, however, I have watched his evasive behavior, and his mother’s reactions. If another parent comments to her about her son’s ill behavior, she lashes out at the parent rather than stepping back for a moment and examining the facts. Then her anger turns to the school authorities, who she feels often treat her son too harshly. And finally, her ire is turned upon her son, as he is belittled in front of his friends while she tells him she is ashamed of him. This sequence of events usually occurs within a matter of minutes, as the mother searches for someone else to blame for her son’s actions. Rather than taking a bad situation and turning it into a learning experience for both her and her son, she teaches him to seek somewhere else, or someone else, to blame for his own actions.
Her reactions have taught me an important lesson in disciplining a child. I have seen the hurt in her son’s eyes as she speaks to him in rage. I hope that I never see that same look in Ali Adem’s eyes. Through watching her interact with her son, I have learned that especially for young children, it is vital that they understand they are constantly loved, even if their parents are unhappy with their actions or words. She has taught me the value of taking the time to sit with a child and speak about a problem they are having, or a friend they are at odds with. Yelling or striking a child does not teach patience or understanding, but rather, it teaches them to be afraid of their parents.
On the rare occasions that Ali Adem has come home from school and said, “Mommy, I have to tell you something that happened today, and I don’t want you to be mad at me,” I take that as a time for us to sit calmly, and I let him relate to me what happened. Then we openly talk about the situation. Even though I may not be happy with what he has to tell me, Ali Adem knows that I love him. And I make a point to tell him that I am proud of him for being brave enough to voluntarily tell me about something he did wrong. I hope that he will always have enough trust in me to keep doing so. I also hope that I will always warrant that trust.
Send comments and questions to k.hamilton@todayszaman.com
