Cultural differences in addressing problems (2)

Following this column, I received a very informative email from a reader who explained just why my direct approach backfired on me and created hard feelings that, unfortunately, have not been smoothed over even though I have tried to apologize to Efe's mother in person. Apparently, it is not the norm in Turkey for parents to work together to solve problems their children may have in getting along with each other. In the United States parents often meet informally to talk about their children, and problems are generally easily and quickly addressed in this way. However, in Turkey, this approach can create tension and conflict because parents feel as if they are being criticized for not raising their children properly. As I have discovered, many parents feel that any problems that arise at school, or on the school playgrounds, should be handled by the director and teachers at the school rather then between the parents of the children involved. To me, this seems like passing the responsibility for raising our children on to others. Nevertheless, it does appear to be the way to deal with school problems here, so I have since had a couple of very productive meetings with the classroom teacher to address the continuing problem between Ali Adem and Efe. The teacher was very concerned and addressed the problem directly in class as well as meeting with each boy separately.

While the insulting comments from Efe have eased up, the communication between his mother and me has ceased, at least for the time being. When I tried to apologize for any hurt feelings or misunderstandings, she coldly rebuffed my attempts to soothe ruffled feathers. Since that time, I have overheard her speaking to some of the other mothers to tell them her side of the story. I have opted to ignore her actions and have noticed, as a result, that some of the mothers are now making a point to be more welcoming and friendly to me than previously. Perhaps her actions are backfiring on her now.

On the same block that the school is on is a small, cozy neighborhood café where several of us stop by throughout the week for snacks with our children after school. The mood is generally genial as mothers greet each other and ask after children's progress in their classes. Many of the children come to where Ali Adem and I sit together and try out their limited repertoire of English words as their mothers watch and smile. Lately, though, Efe's mother has carried her grudge against me into the café and she now makes a point to turn her chair so that her back is facing me, wherever I sit. Moreover, my greetings to her are studiously ignored and not returned. These actions have not gone unnoticed by the café clientele.

This week, as Ali Adem and I were leaving the café following a stop on our way home, the owner of the café spoke to me. "I'm so sorry about her," he said, waving to the table recently vacated by Efe and his mother. "She has no right to be rude. I was here when you tried to speak with her, and she overreacted. Her son has been a problem at the school for two years now and she knows that but will do nothing about it. I know because my children go to the same school, too." I explained to him that I did not mean to start a fight with her and had simply been trying to find a solution to a problem. I added that in America we spoke much more directly than in Turkey. He nodded and said: "I don't speak English, but I see you and your son talking every day, and when you are in the café I can tell you are talking about his day at school and his lessons. This is something that many parents don't bother to do. My wife and I try to follow your example because we think it's important to treat our children with respect and to talk with them about what is going on in their lives. Unfortunately, many parents here do not understand that. Efe's mother is like that. If you watch them, you will see that they never just sit and speak with each other. It's not that she doesn't care, but she feels like discipline and manners are something that he should learn in school, not from home. That is what caused the problem. But, you did not know that, and I understand that you just wanted to work together to solve a problem between the boys. They used to be friends and play together. I've seen you urge Ali Adem to speak with Efe and be friends again, but Efe's mother will not allow that because she is mad at you. I'm very sorry that she continues to be rude. Please don't think that all Turks are like her. We're not. I want everyone to feel like they can come into this café and be at peace."

I thanked him for his concern and Ali Adem and I walked home. I wondered about the attitudes that the café owner spoke about. A generation or two ago in America many people felt that children should be seen and not heard. That attitude seems to be still prevalent with some Turkish parents. Hopefully they will learn to be more open and find ways to open up communication with their children. In the meantime, I have learned yet another lesson the hard way. I hope that other foreign parents will not have to learn the same way I have.