Turks have an expression about visitors, “Tanrı misafiri,” meaning God’s guest and inferring that a visitor must be looked after as if he had been sent to you as an envoy from God. Other Turkish proverbs that reflect this attitude are, “A guest comes with 10 blessings, eats one and leaves nine,” and “The master of the house is the servant of the guest.” Turkish hospitality is so warm. But how is it for Turks abroad? Do they find our version cold?
Back home we have a phrase we use that we really do not mean to the full extent. Americans understand its real meaning. The phrase is “Make your self at home.” It implies that if you want a drink or a bite, it is right over there, just help yourself. It also means sit and be comfortable.
Some Turks may drop hints that they’d love to go to your country when they learn you’re from the West. Be careful in how you reply to this or you may find that you have been misunderstood and that your Turkish friend expects you to make arrangements for his/her visit.
The grass is not always greener on the other side.
It is always insightful to hear from Turks who have had the opportunity to go abroad. Often Turks are of the impression that when one goes abroad life will be better. However, after they get there homesickness often sets in -- they begin to wish they were back in their home country. They may even start counting the days to their return!
Here are a few comments. When I read the following letter it made me stop and think -- Canadian and American hospitality is very different from that in Turkey.
Dear Charlotte, I’m a 24 year old Turkish female working on my M.A., I have also had the opportunity to be an exchange student in Toronto. Both of these experiences have been tremendous. But I still intend to return to Turkey as soon as I finish my studies. Although there are many aspects about life here that I love, I miss my family.
Many Turks admit that when they return to Turkey in some ways they find it hard to adjust back to life here. Living abroad has provided an opportunity to experience another culture’s organization and structure, modern conveniences and a wider availability of things.
However, here are a few common ideas that Turks say they appreciate about being back in Turkey:
* The Turkish idea of family, friendship, and relationships
* The concept of doing things in a group and depending on one another
* The lack of prejudice
Dear Charlotte, people think I want to stay in America forever because they see it as the land of opportunities, but I see it as the land of constraints. Being a Middle Eastern Muslim I am experiencing a lot of prejudice. From Murat (New Jersey).
Dear Murat, the average American is friendly and helpful. It is demonstrated in a slightly different way than what you are accustomed to. I appreciate your bluntness. As for the prejudice: because of the turn of political events, much love and tolerance is needed toward one another, but caution cannot be abandoned.
If you are a Turk living in the West, here are a few tips to help you in your adjustment:
Westerners are not as physical. We do not give a kiss on both cheeks; in fact, we may just remain seated, lift our head in your direction and say a warm “Hi!” The average American is more casual in their greetings.
If you are a guest in an average American home, you will have noticed that we do not make a big deal about serving food and drinks. Everyone is free to just get up and help themselves.
Americans are used to eating out a lot at self-serve buffet restaurants. Sadly, gone are the days that I remember of my grandma or mom standing at the head of the table and serving everyone with plates piled high with homemade food.
So, how should an American with a laid back approach to guests behave in Turkey when Turkish guests come to visit? Be yourself but learn certain key terms such as “buyurun” (Here you are, help yourself), “hoş geldiniz” (welcome), etc. This will help make your Turkish guests feel more at home.
It is normal to be concerned about making a social faux pas. The best way to avoid embarrassment is to watch what others do and try to do the same. This is more difficult for a Turk in a foreigner’s home because quite often almost anything goes!
It is true for a foreigner in any country -- we have to win hearts and prove ourselves -- whomever and wherever we are.
Note: Charlotte McPherson is the author of “Culture Smart: Turkey, 2005.” Please keep your questions and observations coming: I want to ensure this column is a help to you, Today’s Zaman’s readers. Email: c.mcpherson@todayszaman.com
