While living in Turkey, I often found myself making do with what came my way, rather than upsetting others or making a scene. Many of us, when we live in another culture, want to believe that life is grand, but in reality, this can be a delusion.My Turkish friends could not help but laugh when I told them about one of my hair salon experiences. In America, probably like most places in the West, you go to the hair salon to get your hair cut. That is not always the case here. Have you ever noticed women come in and just have their hair styled and then leave?
One day I decided to go to the hairdresser. I was beginning to look a bit shaggy at the edges. I don’t necessarily find it relaxing going to the hairdresser here, because I am never quite sure if I will get what I want.
Usually in a Turkish hair salon the hairdresser’s assistant gives a head and neck massage as part of the haircut experience. As the shampooer put the apron around my neck, he asked, “Shampoo and blow dry?”
“Oh, yes,” I replied.
He put the shampoo in my hair and began to give me a wonderful massage. I could feel my blood pressure drop. Then he rinsed my hair.
So far so good.
I was then directed to move to the chair for the hairdresser. As the hairdresser picked up the hairdryer I thought to myself, “Hmmm, maybe he’ll cut my hair after he blows it dry.” I didn’t say anything. Suddenly I realized that since I had not said I wanted a trim, I was probably not going to get one. I could not decide what to do. Should I say I want a trim or should I just leave it for now? The hairdresser happily kept blowing my hair dry and styling it beautifully.
Before I knew he was holding up the mirror saying, “There!”
“Nice!” I said. As I ran my hands over my hair, I tried not to show my shock that I was not going to have a trim after all. I decided rather than to cause any embarrassment that I would come again in a couple of weeks and have it trimmed. Next time, I resolved, I would definitely include in my answer that I want to have my hair trimmed. I learned not to assume that when going to a hair salon, the basic purpose was a hair cut, with washing and blow drying optional.
When in a different culture, it’s important to be very specific.
Not only did I not want the hair salon staff to feel bad that they didn’t give me what I wanted, I also didn’t want them to feel bad that I didn’t know how to reply correctly or ask the right question. As soon as the hairdresser picked up that blow dryer, we’d gone too far.
Turks do not like to embarrass others. Saving face in this culture is very important, particularly when there is a misunderstanding.
I have learned that to avoid misunderstandings you need to ask very specific direct questions. Even then, you may find yourself receiving minimal, sketchy answers.
For example, if you happen to be driving down a road that is a dead end, but don’t know it, you more than likely will not be told. If you notice people looking at you a bit nervously, ask, “Excuse me? Does this street go through?” The answer will be “Yes.” But they may not tell you that the road is blocked because it is all dug up or that a large truck is blocking the road.
In general, Turks do not like to be bearers of bad news. I may be slightly exaggerating, but the idea is generally true. Saving face and helping others save face is also important.
We have all had those moments when living abroad that we realized that getting what we want just isn’t going to happen. Why is this? Well here are a few guesses:
* You don’t really know what you want.
* You know what you want, but you don’t know the language to express it.
* You know how to get what you want, but the person who can give it to you isn’t paying attention or has no idea what you are saying.
* The person who can give you what you want won’t do so for some reason.
It is probably safe to say that in our cross-cultural work situation and life we usually do not get what we want because of not being able to clearly express it or the hearer not being able to understand.
Perhaps when you told the waiter to bring you a special dish you did not know that the dish of ciğ köfte you were brought is a traditional dish that contains raw meat. Did you really did want raw meat? Will you keep it or change your order?
Drop me a note and share your funny experience with us.
Note: Charlotte McPherson is the author of “Culture Smart: Turkey, 2005.” Please keep your questions and observations coming: I want to ensure this column is a help to you, Today’s Zaman’s readers. Email: c.mcpherson@todayszaman.com
