She said she does not mind the attention her child receives as long as her daughter is comfortable with it. The mother explains that often the admirer doesn’t even look at her, and as a foreigner, she found this rude.This is typical behavior for a Turkish gentleman. I understand what you are saying about all the touching because in the West, some parents would be very uncomfortable and report it. If you are new to Turkey or a visitor and have children, don’t be shocked by the overfriendliness. Turks love children! But on the other hand many adults in Turkey have been taught to not talk with adults of the opposite sex because it may be misinterpreted.
In Turkey the boundary between formality and intimacy in male-female relationships is drawn in a different place. Many actions and attitudes that we view as still fairly formal are considered intimate in this society.
Another Today’s Zaman reader wrote recently asking what she should do when her husband, who is a Turk, is not at home and his friend stops by and wants to come in. A number of foreigners wrote in and said in different cultures, depending on the situation, you would not think twice about letting certain of your husband’s friends in to wait for him until he came home. But then there are others you may not feel comfortable with.
A few Turkish women dropped me a note and said it would not be right to invite the person in if your husband is not at home -- the neighbors could talk.
There is likely truth in this: if you let your Turkish husband’s friend in it may be misunderstood.
Unless you have been here awhile and studied the language you may not understand the following situation:
Just like the prior example, if one of your husband’s friends asked him how you are, it could be misconstrued if he said, “How’s Lorna?” He would normally show recognition that you belong to your husband by asking, “How is your wife?” If he really wanted to underline that his concern for your welfare is as a family friend, he may even say, “How is my brother’s wife?” That way he emphasizes to your husband that he sees him as a brother and is only concerned for you as an extension of his concern for your husband.
So, please don’t feel awkward if you don’t experience things here the way they are back in your own country. It is a sign of respect and honor if a man does not put you in an awkward position by speaking with you in a public place when admiring your child or by leaving your home as soon as he knows your husband is not at home.
For the man in the park, if you feel you really must speak to him because he admired your daughter or children, as you move on, you can say “iyi günler” (good day), not “görütürüz” (see you later).
You could say “görütürüz” to your husband’s friend because he will return when your husband comes home.
Have you noticed that the number of burglary alarms and security cameras is increasing?
There seem to be a lot of people coming and going from residences where there is not a security guard and this is causing grave concern among tenants. Some of the visitors knocking at doors are postmen, delivery boys, beggars, fortune tellers, repairmen, cleaners, movers, door-to-door salespeople, etc. Some are legitimate and some are frauds. Before you know it your car, your office or your home could be burglarized. The Kadıköy police have issued a warning saying something to the effect of not opening your door to everyone who knocks.
For those who do not live in gated villas, it seems that these days opening the front door is getting more and more dangerous. If you have had a recent experience in which you opened the door and it turned out to be a thief or had someone collecting information about when your home would be unoccupied, drop me a note and share your story.
Note: Charlotte McPherson is the author of “Culture Smart: Turkey, 2005.” Please keep your questions and observations coming: I want to ensure this column is a help to you, Today’s Zaman’s readers. Email: c.mcpherson@todayszaman.com
