Usually this is said to cause guilt if you refuse to comply. A few Today’s Zaman readers have written to me asking for some insight. Occasionally I hear Westerners imply that such blackmail is a big problem here. I’ve replied that it is not just in Turkey but found everywhere -- worldwide. A lot of it has to do with how you were raised. I’ve heard people say that the only way women can get what they want here is by the use of manipulation.
Emotional blackmail and manipulation are tools that are used everywhere by any individual, whether he or she is Asian, American, African, Australian, etc., who is not getting what they want but are determined to do so. Here are a couple of excerpts from letters:
“Dear Charlotte: I find it really difficult to go shopping with my sister-in-law. The children are always throwing a temper tantrum in the middle of the store in order to get their mom to buy a toy or a candy. The sad thing is the mom gives in and buys it every time. The children have no hope of ever growing out of this habit. Probably as adults they will throw their toys out of the pram when things don’t go their way. I am uncomfortable with this emotional blackmail and manipulation, especially in public, but do not feel I can say anything to my sister-in-law since I am a foreigner. From: Dorothy in Ankara”
Dear Dorothy: Emotions, even at such a young age, are so powerful! I think we have to be careful that this is just a problem here. Kids back home try the same tricks. Using emotions to influence others in decisions is common; using our emotions in a way that is manipulative is wrong. Somebody needs to have a word with your sister-in-law and help her understand this. Perhaps you need to help your sister-in-law learn what to do when the child is so demanding.
Here is another note:
“Dear Charlotte: I need help with how to handle my mother-in-law. Do you have any tips? My mother-in-law is deceiving, scheming and insulting. She insists that she’s ‘just trying to help’ me since I do not know how things are done here. But when I try to explain in my broken Turkish that I do understand, she accuses me of being ungrateful. When I speak up, she says, ‘Why are you being so sensitive?’ She is very critical about my parenting skills. It is not so easy to escape her since my husband’s family lives above us. My husband doesn’t seem to understand or else is unable to do anything about it. From: NOT ALWAYS NEEDING HELP.”
Dear Today’s Zaman reader: You are in a difficult situation. Because she’s your mother-in-law, it isn’t easy to get away. It is very tiring when someone chisels away at your self-esteem. It sounds in your letter like you are doing the right thing. You just need to be select in what you hear and don’t react to what she says. If you think you should try to reply to her, you need to be careful, because you may create a bigger problem -- that is, hurt her pride. People hold grudges for life for that! It may be that she does not care if her comments are hurtful or it may be the only way she knows how to help you. She may be disappointed her son married a foreigner. Just be glad your husband loves you. Don’t give in to the intimidation and control.
It does not matter what culture you live in, the use of emotions becomes harmful when they are used as threats to control or intimidate you. You may see it played out more here because family decision-making is more common in this culture. Often in the family decision-making process, emotions are expressed. Usually there is at least one who will throw his toys out of the pram. This is a result of never being told “no” when he or she was a child.
Parents use it on children, children use it on parents and even grandparents often enter the picture with their opinions. One parent may even use it on the other parent. If you have been in such a meeting you may have seen that threats also occur in the form of withholding. The blackmailer threatens to withhold love, attention, money or dignity. It is as though these things are like a carrot to entice the family to do things their way.
The phrase “it’s my way or the highway” is a common expression of this behavior. You also hear, “Throwing the toys out of the pram!” Either way, be careful! Best to steer clear if it is an adult throwing the “toys.”
