In my early days of language study I remember wanting to tell someone in Turkish that I appreciated her. I looked in the dictionary but could not find the right word. In Turkish it is a very flowery expression. For a beginner it is unclear which word to use to say this in Turkish. Ways of expressing gratitude vary from country to country. Just how different can it be? Well, in America you can buy a book about it by an expert. If you want to read how gratitude improves self esteem, read Robert Emmons’ book, “Thanks; How the Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier.”
Sometimes you may think it is hard to be grateful when you are living in another culture and you may also think that things are more difficult and go wrong more often.
Have you ever felt that way?
It’s alright if you find yourself thinking: “What’s going wrong? Why? How?” You may feel so bad or angry that you even feel numb and can’t think straight. How on earth can you be grateful?
When I find myself feeling this way I realize that probably when I was back in my own country I took a lot of things for granted. For example, when I see Turks standing in long lines to pay a bill and not complaining, I admire them. I’m reminded I never really had to wait like that. One new expat made a comment when he saw this and thought people were too complacent. He wondered why it was accepted. Think of it another way: Turks persevere. It is not necessarily perseverance to bring about change but to be survivors -- living from one crisis to another.
We are deceiving ourselves if we think that it’s easy to live in a foreign country. It’s not all honeymoon. You should expect things will be more difficult or different because you are the foreigner.
A few weeks ago I received a letter from Beth, an American living in İzmir:
Dear Charlotte, I have lived in Turkey for a few months and more recently I have been struggling with anger -- I get upset about the ways things are. I have felt anger like I have never known before. The outbursts surprise me. In a way I think it is because I understand certain things more than I did in the first few months. My approach is to try to change things so they will be better but to initiate change is not so easy. Sometimes I find myself wondering why the firm wants a foreigner on staff. I am unhappy and do not know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated.
Dear Beth, It’s not easy to know how to deal with an outburst of anger. You aren’t losing it or cracking up. In my experience it helps to find someone that you can talk to about how you feel. It must be someone you can trust and it’s helpful if they have more experience in living here than you do.
It sounds like you’ve definitely passed the “honeymoon” stage of your stay. The time period of everything being new and exciting has passed -- the holiday is over!
The next stage of culture shock is irritability/hostility or, in scientific terms, the “disintegration stage.”
Don’t be surprised if you have some strong feelings of dissatisfaction or anger as you enter the so-called stage of discomfort. You experience this form of culture shock when you have difficulties in expressing yourself. Any one who has stayed on in a foreign country has gone through this stage and knows about having feelings of impatience, anger, sadness and a feeling of incompetence. Don’t worry! You’ve taken a big step in writing to me. It’s dangerous when a person is embarrassed about it and tells no one. Pretending that all is well is really denial. Change sometimes needs to change in us -- our attitude -- if we cannot change the other.
Nancy Morris is an acculturation specialist and achievement coach. She believes it is important to find opportunity in every event and have great fun!
Here is an exercise I try to do periodically when I think I need an attitude check. The task is simple but challenging. Just write down everything you are grateful for today or for the past week. It doesn’t matter if you have had a good day or a bad one, take a moment to be grateful. As you practice this regularly, the exercise can help you change your perspective and attitude toward everything. You may find that the situation is not so bleak. The situation may not be so daunting. As Mary Angelou said, “If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.”
