Let’s face facts; some do not marry just for love. Often in the media we read reports that some marry for citizenship, work or other reasons. But for many, though it may be for love, this does not make life any easier. I was intrigued by an article that stated 30,000 foreigners who were married to Finns resided in Finland in 2005. On average the marriages last 11 years. The statistics also reveal an interesting fact. Unlike Turkey, where the majority are foreign women married to Turks, in Finland it is just the opposite. Finnish men are more likely to marry foreign women than Finnish women to marry foreign men. Finnish men are particularly likely to marry women from Russia, Estonia and Thailand, whereas Finnish women tend to choose husbands from Britain, North America and Turkey.
Lately I have read numerous letters from women who are planning in the near future to visit Turkey and meet their potential Turkish in-laws. They ask all kinds of questions about gift-giving, conversation topics and even about dinner etiquette. In some cases a few have already visited and believe they did not make a good impression. Others have already had a clash with one of their fiancée’s family members and wonder how they can redeem the relationship. I would like to address these questions in two articles. The first will look at relationship misunderstandings and the second on rules for simple dinner etiquette.
If any of you reading this are fans of Sidney Poitier or Katharine Hepburn, you’ll be familiar with the film “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner.”
If you have not heard of this film, let me introduce you to one of my favorite movies. The film received many awards -- and Hepburn won the Academy Award for Best Actress.
I have never heard of a law forbidding interracial marriage in other countries. Prejudice is one thing, a law forbidding it is another.
Did you know that until 1967 in the US interracial marriage had been illegal in all of the states?
This groundbreaking story dealt with the controversial subject. The film also addressed the issue of black people acting in a racist way towards other blacks who are getting on. In other countries the problem may be more a difference in an economic status, different nationalities, and differences in education or even football teams!
Some of us have found ourselves in a situation similar to the film. The young doctor, played by Poitier, who was the perfect future son-in-law, was hindered by his race. His fiancée-to-be was white! Instead of race it may be our nationality, our level of education, social class, religion, etc.
Does this scenario sound familiar? The young couple can not see any reason why they should not marry, but their family members can. In the film the interaction between the two sets of parents who each have their own objections to the marriage is revealing. Lessons on problem solving and handling conflict can be learned from the film.
When individuals of two different nationalities or two different races consider getting married, relatives may have concerns because of the cross-cultural differences and prejudices.
One Today’s Zaman reader wrote that she and her fiancée have nearly broken up because family members resent that he plans to marry a foreigner. They see her cultural differences as offensive. Janice in Leeds writes: “I have tried so hard to do things the way they would like, but it seems whatever I do is unacceptable. The way I think about things and the way I act are -- sadly -- opposite to theirs. Things that they have said have hurt my feelings. We just are not warming to each other. My boyfriend is caught in the middle. Any advice welcomed!”
Dear Janice: You described your situation so clearly.
How can you let go of something that has shaped the way you think about things?
How can you let go of something that has changed an integral part of who you are?
Personally I think it is wrong to completely let go because these make you who you are. Perhaps you need to rethink your future plans. If you believe it is right to go ahead and get married, don’t feel like you need to change completely. Your boyfriend loves you because you are who you are. Just remember, if individuals have not traveled and do not have an appreciation of different cultures, it is hard for them to understand you. A few tips:
Don’t be too hard on them.
Have fair expectations for yourself.
Don’t try to be something that you are not.
Note: Keep your questions and observations coming: I want to ensure this column is a help to you, Today’s Zaman’s readers. Email: c.mcpherson@todayszaman.com
